When All Is Lost
by Furor Scribiendi
Summary: AU - Sequel to Torment of Paradise. Now in China, Jess and Quatre enter the next stage of their relationship: building it back up from the rubble that Samuel reduced it to. Learning to trust once more is never easy, especially with big complications.
1. One

A/N: Just a small note here:   
1)Onegai, read "Torment of Paradise" before you even read this fic. The character motivations will make no sense if you don't. Hell, the characters' general actions will confuse you; especially Jess and the whole story behind her and Duo and Quatre. And I have edited the chapters people, so they make more sense. Read the previous fic.   
2)Assume the Oz and White Fang are present, via the split that came as seen in the show. What follows is a different take on the ending.   
3)To all those who reviewed before ff.net took it down due to the content in Chapter Seventeen *curses abound for about five minutes*, I'll be more than glad to have any input you think would improve the fic.   
4)Anelgoflightpd, the wedding fic you were asking about is coming....just taking me a bit longer than expected. I don't want something that screams predictability or something like Mary Sue. I haven't gotten that particular commentary yet and I don't wanna. ^^   
5)And the final note: He's baaaaaaaaacccccccccccck! 

_When All Is Lost..._

Chapter One

The hands on the clock seemed to take forever to turn. Every second seemed to drag on by, an immeasurable eternity, heightened by the disturbed feeling eating away at him inside. Quatre rose with frustration, running a hand through his hair. They shouldn't simply be sitting there like this, waiting to go off and die as if that was all they could do. 

"Take it easy," a hand rested on his shoulder. "Wanna play a game or something?" 

He looked back before smiling. "Sure Jess. That would help." 

The rest of the pilots looked around uneasily as the chess board was brought out and they seated themselves around. 

"Who wants to play first?" Jess asked in a light voice. 

"Always like that onna." Wufei muttered. "This is a-" 

"All right then, you first Wufei." she said with a faint grin, sitting down. You can play me." 

"Fine." he said, seating himself in front of her. 

Quatre couldn't help but smile; that's the way a conversation always went between Jess and Wufei; argumentative and borderline curt. He settled down in the chair, watching along with the rest. The game was amusing when the two of them played; the banter exchanged was colourful enough, helping al to relax, but he knew that Wufei was being 'nice' out of deference to his relationship with Jess. He glanced over as Duo nudged him. 

"So what are you gonna do Q-man?" Duo asked in a whisper leaning in closer. "Decided yet? Have ya even told her?" 

He shook his head before looking back at the game, the inner turmoil even more protracted. He still hadn't told Jess that he had been kicked out of the house and that was a few months ago. The only thing that had saved him was the fact that they were still in a war. But even that was looking as if it was going to end sometime soon. 

"You cheated onna." 

"I did no such thing. Maybe if you knew how to pay chess properly-" 

"I do! It's a rook onna, how could you not see that? You cannot make that move!" 

Quatre sighed. "Maybe you should just let it pass, I'm sure it doesn't mean very much now Wufei." 

"Ach, it's all right." Jess aid with a wave of her hand. "I was gonna beat him anyway, no matter what move." 

"You seem very full of yourself." Wufei said. "Back that up." 

"Now, if I did that Wufei," she said rising. "Wouldn't that mean you would challenge me to another game to...win again?" 

There was some chuckling on Duo's part as Jess rose and walked away with a stretch and yawn, heading for the couch. Quatre watched as she went, feeling a bit guilty; he really should tell her now before she found out on her own. As if prodding him, Duo nudged him once more in the side tilting his head towards Jess, who now lay on the sofa. When Duo gave him a particularly hard nudge he rose, giving Duo a look. He took his chair and went and sat beside Jess, who was staring out the window into space. 

"Daijoubu ka1?" she asked, not looking at him. 

"Yeah, I am." he said in a quiet voice; he had picked up on words and such during his convalescence. "You're very quiet today." 

Jess didn't say anything, simply taking his hand and holding it in his. He looked down surprised to find it trembling slightly. 

"Doushita2?" he gave her hand a squeeze. 

"Hai. Iie3." she closed her eyes. "It's all going to end soon Q-kun. And I don't know if I can go back at all." 

"Sure you can." he said. "You can go back home and live like a normal teen." 

"Such nice words you say." she murmured. "You know none of us can ever be the same again. Integrating ourselves back into society won't be easy." 

"No one said it would be." he said, dropping the pretence; even he felt a bit weary. "But we'll have to try." 

She gave a sigh. "Do you feel a bit stretched inside? As if you could snap at something, at given anytime?" 

"I feel as if this has gone on long enough." he said. "I'm tired of Oz and I just want to go away afterwards. Far away." 

"That sounds like a plan." she gave a faint smile. "Go to Spain; it's really beautiful there, you'll love it." she remained silent for a minute. "And what about us Q-kun; you're going to be in the colonies and I'm going to be on Earth." 

He paused, unsure of how to answer at this time; now might be best. "Look Jess, there's something I have to tell you." 

"Hai? Nande4?" she looked at him. 

He swallowed as he looked at her; her eyes seemed so weary and ready to leave and go back to the comforts of a normal teenage life. He stroked her hand with his fingers as he took a deep breath. "Jess, you know how-" 

Quatre's words were drowned out in a wailing alarm, the red light flashing around the room. The other pilots rose and headed for the door quickly, going for their Gundams. Quatre went after them but stopped as he realized the Jess wasn't there. Looking back he saw her looking out the window, but standing now. 

"Jess?" he walked back to her. 

"Boku wa..." she paused, her voice heavy before she turned. "Come on." 

Quatre went after her, noting the slump in her shoulders. He hugged her close, pressing a kiss to her head as they hurried down the corridor. Once they entered the hangar, they suited up quickly. 

"Jess?" Quatre said before she slid her helmet on and went to Anansi. 

"Hai?" she looked back at him. 

Now she looked perfectly fine, as if nothing was bothering her. He didn't say anything, kissing her lightly. When he drew back, she had her eyes closed, as if imprinting the feel of his lips on hers. She held his cheek for a moment before she slid on her helmet and hurried into Anansi's cockpit. He went to Sandrock, entering quickly. One by one, the Gundams flew out, heading for the massive army that was headed their way. He gripped the controls more tightly; he knew what Jess was doing, it was the same thing that Duo did; she took care of everyone else when she needed it most. She was dying on the inside; he could feel the steady dull throb that refused to go away, gnawing away. When this was over, it would be his turn and not hers again. 

1 Daijoubu ka = Are you O.K.?   
2 Doushita = What's wrong?   
3 = Iie = No   
4 Nande = What 


	2. Two

A/N: This chapter does contain some spoilers about the GW timeline. For the most part, I have taken some liberties and such with it. 

_When All Is Lost..._

Chapter Two

Jess frowned as she pushed forward on her controls, seeing the amount of enemies approaching on the screen. This is what all their efforts had come to; the final battle between Oz and White Fang. She gritted her teeth as she edged her thrusters forward a bit more. She already felt tense and drawn, as if this would be the final battle of her life. 

"Perhaps I am looking at the end of the road." she murmured as she closed her eyes briefly. 

When her monitor blinked and beeped she pressed the button. Duo's face popped up, with something of a grin. "You ready?" 

"Hai...Shinigami." she gave him a shaky smile. "How about we go and get something decent to eat afterwards?" 

"Sounds good to me." he said giving her a thumbs up. "Watch yourself out there." 

"Roger that." she said giving him a final smile before she pressed the button. 

She gave a sigh as the monitor went black, red dots filling the screen once more. It seemed as if she was off once more, in an event that was caused by her doing. Oh, it had been her; she had convinced Treize to go back and that had brought about the split, the men loyal to him following when he defected from the Oz organization. She bit her lips hard as she fought to keep herself from berating her self. There was no way that she could anticipate what would happen, much less prevent it. She was still on Earth with Quatre when the faction had formed. And the rumours of Zechs being involved in it weren't lost upon her. 

As the others slowed down, she did also; the last thing she wanted to do was be the one to set the keg off. There may still be a chance that this could be resolved before any blood was shed. Spying the blinking radio button, she flicked the switch and listened to the words that came out. 

"This is Zechs Merquise of the Libra. Stand down and deactivate your weapons." his voice sounded calm and prepared; he knew that this was simply a formality. 

"I can't do that Zechs." came Treize's cool response. "We both knew it would come to this one day. Main forward troops advance." 

Jess swallowed as she readjusted her grip on the thrusters once more; the sweat was making it slippery and hard to hold onto. This was the first time that she was ever nervous about...well about anything in general. So nervous that she felt as if she could throw up right now in the cockpit. 

"It wouldn't do you well to have chunks of barf floating around your head as you fought." she muttered grimly to herself. "Keep it together and you'll live through this." 

The nervousness in her stomach intensified as she waited along with the left flanks. The others had been spread out and were most likely waiting for the next command. When Treize's voice came over the radio once more, ordering them out into the field, she rammed her thrusters forward. The mechas surged out into the clash, beam sabres and guns firing madly. 

Her pikes cut and slashed as she moved through her opponents as they came. One explosion after another lit up space for a moment before followed by another. Both were falling on both sides in rapid numbers. She swallowed back the bile that was starting to rise in her throat and continued on; all of this leading to peace wasn't her idea of a successful war. It simply galled her and made her feel sickened. 

"Atashi wa megami no sensoo da1..." she muttered as she sliced through an opponent before her. "Atashi wa megami no sensoo da!" she screamed suddenly, as her finger strayed and hit the switch beside the thrusters. 

More than anything, she wanted this to be over now. She simply wanted to go home and forget all the things that she had to go through just to ensure that people could live in peace; the same people who created this problem in the first place. Her pikes moved faster now, coming down in vicious powerful blows that decimated the enemy mechas before her. They were the enemy, the ones she was fighting; they were the one that had the dreams of world conquest and domination; the ones who ruined it all for so many. 

Time seemed suspended as her weapons moved, raining on the targets she sought out. But it seemed that they weren't diminishing at all; they seemed to be more of them than before. _'Where are they coming from?'_ She smashed her pike through the midsection of the Leo that came at her. She scanned the area quickly, seeing fresh reinforcements come from the ship just around the side of the planet. _'Kuso.'_

She took off through the madness, heading for the ship she saw in the distance; if she cut off the flow at the source, this could end a lot. When a flashing red blip appeared suddenly on her monitor she halted for a second. Another ship was coming in from the distance, heading straight for the one she was heading to. She turned around, facing more of the Aries and Leos that came at her; if the ship ploughed into the other one, perhaps this would cripple it enough to give them the edge. 

The fighting grew thicker than before, as the reinforcements arrived, swelling their ranks. She growled as she snapped her pikes together and twirled the staff around, cutting through the metal as if it was nothing. Her mind seemed to become devoid as she continued on, unrelenting and merciless. One after another, the suits before her were dispatched until she noticed something that caught her attention; a chunk of metal starting towards the atmosphere from the Libra. She froze for a minute, unsure of what to do; she could go after it and try to stop it from falling down to Earth in such a large dangerous piece. Or she could do as the soft voice inside her head was telling her to do; to simply keep fighting the enemy before her and pay the debris no mind. 

To keep fighting or to try and break up the piece of debris, she couldn't decide. Her grip tightened around the thrusters, mind struggling with its internal debate. Many could die. _'Many more still would die anyhow; you're already killing up here.'_ But the damage would be longer lasting the Earth. _'Wasn't the damage here just the same, only of a different nature?'_ But the people on Earth would have to suffer more if it wasn't stopped. Hadn't the people of the colonies and Earth suffered enough as it was? _'Simply fight the enemies before her; someone else would take care of the debris.'_ But no one is close enough except for her; who could?_ 'It's suicidal; fight the opponents before you and leave it be; destroy your enemies.'_ But the debris was her enemy also. She should be the one to deal with it. _'The enemy before you is more immediate.'_ It was, making everything suddenly clearer. 

Jess shook her head clear for a second and rammed the thrusters forward more as she headed for the chunk of debris, snapping apart her staff. Her mind felt as if it were clearing rapidly as she reached her target. Keeping pace with its descent, she started to slice away at it systematically, in a frantic pace; it was falling faster than she had thought. If she didn't hurry, it would fall the way it was. Her pikes hacked away, decimating the front half of the chunk. It was the bottom half that she had to take care of next. Gritting her teeth, she slammed the thrusters to full as she blasted past the chunk and started working on the bottom. 

"Jess, what the hell are you doing?!" Duo's voice came over the com link, frantic. "Get out of there!" 

"I will. I just have to finish this." she said; sweat started to bead on her brow. It was getting rather warm. 

"Are you mad?! Leave it be!" 

"No! If I don't do this, well, I'm sure you can put two and two together." she grunted. The sweat was starting to run down into her eyes and sting. 

"Jess, leave it be! You're starting to enter the atmosphere!" Quatre's voice came over the radio now, albeit static filled and breaking up frequently, frightened and scared. "You've done enough!" 

"I'm almost done." she said as she continued on. The piece was starting to fragment rapidly now, assisted by the fiery descent it was taking. "I'll be back in a second." 

Suddenly, her pike broke through, the hand jamming on a severely twisted piece of metal. _'Kuso!'_ She pulled frantically, the hand coming free with a jerk. With her action, the piece started to break up entirely, small and large fragments drifting off. _'Time to jet.'_ She fired the thrusters once again, trying to break free of the fall. She didn't make it very far when a large chunk slammed into her Gundam, shaking her around. She never noticed when her head whipped against the corner of her seat when she was slammed back, connecting with her temple. Her vision started to blacken, sliding in and out of consciousness. The entire cockpit was screaming with alarms, glowing red. She could have sworn the beeps and frantic alarms sounded panicked and anxious. The radar screen was dead, the radio com link sputtering in and out erratically. Something else slammed into her suit just as she blacked out completely, the static filled radio cutting out as she continued on her flaming descent to Earth in silence and darkness. 

  
  
1 Atashi wa megami no sensoo da. = I am the Goddess of War. 


	3. Three

_When All Is Lost..._

Chapter Three

Quatre sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He had gotten no sleep for the night. He glanced at the clock, checking the time; six in the morning. He rubbed his face briskly before he rose and walked out into the hallway. The battle was over, and he had felt exhausted. By all rights he should have been sleeping. All he saw when he closed his eyes was that piece of metal slamming into Anansi, followed by another. Then the suit didn't move at all, freefalling to Earth as a fiery comet. He let his feet carry him automatically to the galley; perhaps a cup of tea would help to soothe his nerves. 

"Hey Q-man." 

Looking up startled, he saw Duo seated at a table. What surprised him even more was the full plate of food that sat in front of Duo, who was dragging a fork through it. "You look a bit haggard." he said walking over to the coffee machine. 

"You're one to talk." he said, moving the rice around on his plate. 

"Hm." Quatre returned with his cup and sat in front of Duo. "Can't sleep?" 

"No." Duo slammed his fork down suddenly. "It wasn't supposed to end this way." 

"I know." Quatre took a sip of the tea. 

"Hilde's in the infirmary and my only sister is MIA." 

"Is Hilde going to make it?" he asked. 

"The doctors still aren't sure." Duo's hands clenched into tight fists. "Stupid woman nearly got herself killed." 

Quatre sighed, giving Duo a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "We seem to find strong willed women." 

A somewhat tense silence descended for a few seconds, neither Duo nor Quatre sure of what to say, much less look at one another. Finally Duo gave a sigh. 

"You know I have no problem with you two, right Q-man?" 

"I assume so. You haven't attempted to pound me or something of the sort." Quatre paused. "They haven't found her...have they?" 

Duo nodded. "No, they still can't find out where she landed and where she is. You think someone would have seen a Gundam come crashing down into the ground or water." 

"What if someone else found her? Have they talked to people in the area?" 

"Yeah; and they've come up empty handed. I'm starting to think they're looking in the wrong place." Duo rose with a weary blink. "Look, I'm gonna see if I can get some sleep. You should too." 

"I will Duo." Quatre said. "Take it easy for now." 

"Yeah; I'll take it as easy as an ex-soldier can. Let me know if you need any help, all right?" 

Quatre remained silent as Duo walked out of the galley, staring down into his cup. Ex-soldiers they were. They could go back to having a normal life and being normal teenagers. But where would he go? What on Earth would he do now that he had been kicked out of the house? How could he be sitting here like this when she was still missing? 

Taking the cup, he walked down to the hangar, seating himself before Sandrock. He gazed at the handles of the shotels now in their sheathes. Never again would he have to use Sandrock. He paused as he shivered slightly; it suddenly felt cold. Walking over to the thermostat he looked at the temperature gauge. _'Odd...it's twenty one degrees in here.'_ He took a small gulp of the tea, feeling the warmth settling in his stomach. His flesh started to goose pimple as he made his way back to his room rapidly. It seemed as if it was simply getting colder. _'What's going on?'_ He frowned as he made his way down to the nearest control room. He nodded as he entered, waving hello to the few others there as he walked up to an empty console. 

"You should rest Quatre." 

He glanced back, hearing Trowa's voice. "I know I should." he shivered involuntarily. "But I can't." 

"They're looking as we speak." 

"I know. But I feel as if I should be doing more Trowa, not just sitting here waiting for someone to solve the problem." he took a sip before he spied Trowa's jacket. "Are you cold?" 

"No. Here." Trowa took it off and gave it to him. "Do you need some help?" 

"It would be appreciated." he said with a smile, pulling the jacket tighter around him. "I still remember what you said that night; when I couldn't even answer myself." 

"And?" Trowa looked at him expectantly as he seated himself in the adjacent terminal. 

"It was there all along." he looked at the screen wistfully before he booted it up. "I really appreciate this." 

"Not a problem." Trowa said as he did the same. "If not for her sake, I want you to get some rest." 

~*~

Quatre sighed as he rubbed his eyes and looked at the screen. He had been up for awhile now and he was starting to feel a general strain. Staying up for the past four hours poring over the information before him was rather gruelling. He reached over for his cup of tea, draining the last bit before he continued typing in the information. 

"This had better work." he mumbled to himself as clicked the button. 

He had found it rather odd that there had been so many discrepancies in the accounts. One said this and another said that; why did something so plain vary so much? Finally disgusted with wading through so much, he had calculated her trajectory landing himself and was now waiting for the computer to come up with a result. 

The sharp beep of the program told him it was done. Frowning, he looked at the screen as the dotted flight arc appeared. "Up there?" he blinked for a minute before he looked at the screen once again; it was correct as well as his numbers and calculations. "It's closer to the Bering Strait; why are they looking on the Atlantic coast?" he absently rubbed his leg as he looked it over; it felt a bit sore. 

Printing off the results he headed back to his room, a sense of puzzlement washing over him as well as another shiver. It still seemed cold. Opening the doors to his quarters, he shuffled over to the bed and collapsed down on it, sinking gratefully into the soft warmth. He burrowed beneath the blankets and curling up with the pillow in his arms; this seemed to be the only way to alleviate the coldness slightly. 

~*~

The bright blue sky was crisp with little puffs of clouds going by the plane window. _'I never thought I would actually come here...'_ He rubbed the bridge of his nose; he still had other worries to take care of and what little money he had left would have to make do for who knew how long. Plus Duo had been more than a little peeved that he had left without him; but Duo had seemed very torn between staying with Hilde and coming with him. No one said making the decision for him was easy. 

"I'll make do somehow." he mumbled to himself as he pulled his thick jacket tighter in anticipation; just looking out made him feel colder. 

The plane started it descent easily, the tires squealing on the runway. Once it came to a stop, he grabbed his carryon and hurried off of the plane. Thankfully it was simply a bush plane, where the pilot didn't ask him too many questions. 

"Welcome to the Northwest Territories!" came a cheery voice over the speakers as he passed through the hangar. 

"Says you." he mumbled as he scrambled to put his gloves on; it felt colder already. 

He paused by the exit doors, pulling out a scarf and a hat and bundling himself up properly. Steeling himself he walked out of the automated doors. 

"Allah!" the muffled word came through the layers of cloth. "It's freezing cold here!!" 

He hurried over to a can and got in, telling the driver where he wanted to go. The sooner he found her the better. The cab drive was somewhat short as it pulled into the town just about fifteen minutes away. The single lone street greeted him as he exited the cab and watched it drive down a few more steps and pull into the building at the side. Shivering through the layers, he walked down the street quickly, looking for a place that was filled with people. 

"Maybe they can help me in there..." he paused looking into a somewhat dusty window. 

Pulling his hat and scarf off, he walked in, the noisy chorus in the place dying down to a bare whisper. He looked around somewhat nervously before he took a seat at the bar. 

"What can I help you with?" asked the person from behind the counter. "Did you want a drink?" 

"At ten in the morning?! I can't', I'm underage!!" 

"You shouldn't be in this pub then, should you?" the person looked at him hard under their eye. 

"I know Sir-" 

"Madame." 

"Madame." he said his face going bright red as some laughs came from behind. "I just need your help with something; it will only take a moment of your time." 

"All right then. Shoot kid." 

"Thank you." he said. "Ah...did anything out of the ordinary happen here about a week ago?" 

"Yeah." 

"What?" 

"Something crashed down in the ice out there and sank. A day later, some ship comes by and drags it up." 

"Like a cargo ship?" 

The lady nodded. "Yup; was an icebreaker with a cargo hold I guess. What they dragged up, it looked like a Gundam." 

Quatre paused, taking out a piece of paper and scribbled quickly. "Did the ship look odd in any way? Did any one come into the town from the ship?" 

"No...I don't think so. Not as far as I know at least." 

"Oh, someone did all right. I was working that shift, not you." 

Quatre turned hearing the masculine voice from the back. "You did?" he hurried over. "Who was it?" 

"Not a nice fellow, you could tell by the tone in his voice. He walked with a cane and a bad limp; probably a groin injury or something." the man shifted in his seat. "Why do you want to know? You with a newspaper or something?" 

"No; I want to find my friend." 

"You mean that girl that he dragged in here with him? Black hair, and eyes that could make you regret anything?" 

"Was she wearing a necklace? A spider?" 

The man nodded." Yup, that's her. She was limping too; much worse than the guy, barely walking. You think he would have bought her a crutches or something. What happened to her?" 

"I don't know..." Quatre said in a whisper as his pen stopped for a few seconds, horrid images flashing through his mind. "Did he say where they were going?" he said as he got a grip on himself. "Where did they stay?" 

"Just outside of town; that must have been a few days ago. You can go and see if you want; just out west by ten minutes, you can walk. I rented it to him for the time. If you see that no good rotten bastard, tell him he owes me my safety deposit and the rent. All I know is that when the ship went, they both went." 

"How much did you charge him?" Quatre asked out of sudden curiosity. 

"More than I should have." the man snorted. "Men like that make terrible tenants. People like you on the other hand..." he paused. "Hey kid, you need a place to stay while you're here? I can give you a deal on it." 

"No I'm not staying long. I have to find the ship. When did they leave, do you have a specific date?" 

"Around the end of last week kid; and I mean Sunday by that." 

"Really?" he shoved the piece of paper in his pocket again; today was Tuesday. "If you don't mind, I think I will go and see the house." 

The man gave him a wave. "Go. But I haven't been up there yet, so I don't know what it's like." 

"That's all right." he said with a smile as he pulled back on his hat and scarf. "Thank you very much!" he exclaimed running out of the building. 

Quatre paused, looking over that paper before he shoved it back in his pocket and hurried over to the house. It was ten minutes away like the man had said. When he approached it, he found himself looking at a rather cozy two-storey cottage, the white filler in the chinks standing out against the dark wood. 

"Quaint..." he murmured as he walked up to the door and pushed it open. 

Dust motes rode down on the filmy streams of sunlight. Quatre did move, his entire body motionless and strained. There was an air around here, as if something wasn't quite right. He walked in slowly, unsure of what he would find. Furniture lay overturned, some of it broken to pieces, the stuffing lying around in silent testament. He picked his way across, heading for the door at the end of the room. Opening it slowly, he peered in, seeing the table sitting there, a lone chair pushed in. He walked out slowly and headed for the flight of stairs. The creaks echoed out eerily through the air, making the hair on the back of his neck rise sharply. Coming to the top he paused for a minute, unsure of what door to go to between the three. 

"This one..." he said in a strained voice as he walked down to the one on his left. 

He placed his hand on the door, not twisting on the knob. There was a strange fear inside to even open it. It was as if there was nothing good on the other side. He took a deep breath, getting a hold of himself as he opened the door and walked in. The darkness greeted him first, shading everything in the room. He walked over to the window and pulled back the curtains, bright sunlight flooding into the room once more. 

"What?" he paused seeing a sledgehammer resting against the door jamb. 

He went over and picked it up, only to drop it again quickly. He fell to his knees, breathing hard. Pain had gone lancing through his body, particularly from his legs. It was so tangible that it could have crippled him. Rising shakily, he backed away from the tool and sat on the bed, trying to get his breath back. It took him a few minutes but he got it back; but that peculiar feeling in his legs didn't disappear. 

"Allah, please don't let it be what I think it is..." he begged in a whisper; he had a sinking feeling though that it was. After a few minutes of silence, he rose and started to walk out of the room. "What was that?" 

He turned back, hearing the sound of paper against a surface. There on the night table was a envelope, with no name. Hesitant, he picked it up, faint and hazy images running through is mind, like the images he saw when he closed his eyes. Bleakness, whiteness and the sight of a fist coming towards him all flooded his mind. He shook his head before he started to open to envelope; it reminded him too much of him and what he had done to him. One hand unconsciously rubbed his cheek where there scar was. He looked inside once it was open, feeling a weight inside. 

"Allah..." his face went pale as he turned the paper upside down, allowing the object to fall out so he could see it better. 

The amber spider rested in the palm of his hand, winking up at him almost mockingly. His hand closed around it instinctively as he tried to recall Jess' touch. It seemed farther away now, as if she was drifting beyond any reach, beyond his reach. Looking back inside, he yanked out the piece of paper and read it, his heart sinking. He had a vague idea of what the words meant but they were enough to chill him to the bone; the words on the paper made it painfully clear. He looked once more to be sure, swallowing hard as he read them again; there was only one person who could have written it. 

'Yurusunai. Kisama no itooshi o korosu.'   
  
  


Yurusunai. Kisama no itooshi o korosu. = I can't forgive you. I will kill your beloved. [At least...that's what I want it to mean. I can only hope it's right. I hope... ^.^;;] 


	4. Four

A/N: Did I spell 'loagy' right? You know, when you have that icky stuff in the back of your throat that you have to spit out because it's so disgusting? I think I spelt it right….I was never clear on that word to begin with. 

_When All Is Lost…_

Chapter Four

_The darkness was back again; it was back, all around her. She took a sharp panicked breath; the dark was what held her worst fear. And this time she knew that she had a slim chance of escaping it. She looked around as she stared to hyperventilate; she needed to get out now. She wanted to be back home with her parents, with her friends - even if Wufei could be an ass, with Duo and most of all, back with Quatre. Relief washed through her as she saw a faint light off in the distance. _

She didn't think for a second, starting to run towards it with all she had. Yet as she went, it seemed to move further away, as if it was simply beyond her reach. _'No, no. I will make it there…I have to…I have to…'_ Tears started to run down her face as she pushed herself harder, wishing with all she had to make it back to her goal. 

Suddenly she was pitched to the ground hard as a massive pain hit her legs. She lay there, trying to curl up in pain as she tried to see what had caused it. 

"You're not going anywhere this time. I made sure of it. You and I have some business to settle bitch." his voice was cruel and malicious. 

"Iie, Kamisama, kudasai…" she begged in a broken voice as she picked herself up; she fell back and when she looked down, she saw her legs lying there at a impossible angles. "Kamisama, kudasai…" 

"There's no help for you now." his hand fisted in her shirt and pulled her up. "You're gonna regret crossing me ever." 

"What are you going to do to me?" she asked in a whisper as she struggled to free herself from his hand. 

A sneer came to his lips as he leaned forward and whispered into her ear. "I'm going to have some fun with you first. No one knows where you are. Not your parents, not your little 'friends' and most certainly not Winner." the last word was said in a sneer. "Then I'll kill you." 

She bit back her cry of pain as she was dropped back onto the ground unceremoniously. "And if I kill myself first?" 

"And you'd cause Winner such pain?" he bent down and caressed her face with a cold metal object. "I highly doubt you'd do that. You hope…no, you know that he's coming after you…and…well and I incapacitated your sole means of escape. And I have prepared for this since the satellite. " 

An involuntary shiver ran through her as she felt a tip at her throat. _'It's a dagger.'_ She didn't say anything as it travelled down and back up again. 

"But then again. I'm not against causing him pain." 

She didn't say anything as the blade was slashed against her cheek. She glared at him as he looked at her with a cold and distant expression. 

"Nothing to say?" he asked. 

Jess paused, bringing up a huge logy before she spit it right in his face, aiming for his eye as best she could. Nothing was said for a few minutes before she saw his shape moving towards her . She tried to move out of the way but found herself hampered by her legs. The dagger sank all the way in, leaving her gasping with bloody breath. She brought a shaking hand to her lips as she fell back to the floor. After a few seconds, it fell also, fingertips stained with blood. She lay there, limp and dying. 

"Right through your heart. Winner wa temae no kokoro desu ka? Where is he now to save his beloved?" 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

She woke with a start, a scream in her throat. She bit it back however once she sensed the presence passed out beside her. His black hair stuck out against the pillow; she wanted so much to grab it and rip it out from the roots, anything to make him suffer for what he inflicted on her. She looked down at her naked body above the blanket, the ugly bruises darkening by the minute. 

"Kamisama…" she whispered as she fought the tears that rose. 

First he had taken the sledgehammer and…she swallowed hard, not wanting to recall the sharp crack of bones that had echoed out across the room or her solitary scream; it still grated against her mind and had now and then invaded her dreams, The dreams had started again, only now they were much worse. When she was at the safehouse by the beach, she was simply arguing with him, treading the dangerous line - he had a gun in his hands - but still safe. Now he had killed her, a stab in the heart. And why had he spoken in Japanese? 

She tried to roll onto her side but bit her lip hard as pain went through her legs. _'God, I really can't escape. He'll use me again and again and then when he's tired himself of me…'_ She shuddered, pushing the thought out of her mind. There was no way that she was leaving anytime soon. She looked down at her body in disgust seeing it covered in blood and a whitish substance she didn't care to identify; she had become physically numb when he had completed what was started in the alleyway. She felt battered bruised and horribly violated in the worse sense, physically and psychologically. But she recalled every single vile revolting thing that he had done to her and had made her do despite her inability to move well and… 

Gritting her teeth, she moved her upper body slightly, freezing when he shifted and snorted. She breathed a sigh of relief as he settled back down and resumed his deep breathing. Slowly, she inched her way over to the edge of the bed; it was a far long shot but it was better to go down fighting rather than being so unresponsive about it. She started to slide herself gently when a hand shot out and grabbed her with a jerk back to the bed. 

"Going somewhere?" 

She stiffened at the mocking tone in his voice, not responding at all. 

"I recall saying you had to answer me." he muttered in a discontent voice. "It seems that you still defy me even now. I'm going to have to break it." 

"Kisama…" she hissed between her teeth. 

"Ah." he said in a disapproving voice. "What did I say about that?" 

Jess winced slightly feeling the blade slice into her arm. "Masochist." 

"Could you tell?" he drawled, the blade now tracing a red line up her stomach. 

"Hentai." she spat out. "Hentai otoko." 

"You don't learn do you?" he said in an icy tone as the blade paused. 

Jess managed to remain straight faced as he pressed the tip into the soft flesh of her breast. Blood ran down the dagger freely as he pressed it in harder and harder. By the time he finally relented, his hand was slippery and sticky with the red substance. 

"Bakayaro." she didn't even look at him, simply infusing her voice with a highly dismissive and superior tone. 

"You don't learn, do you? It didn't have to come to this." his hand trailed his way down her shoulder. "If you had simply listened to me and done as I commanded, I would be perfectly fine." 

She remained still as his fingers dug cruelly into her lower arm. 

"But you couldn't even do that, could you? You should be grateful I even took you. You're nothing more than a reject whose real parents didn't want her anymore. So they left you out there to die. You're the trash that should have been taken out; I, the son of a wealthy banker, should never have given you that second look. This is what I get for having pity on you." 

"Pity?" she finally spoke, her voice dripping with scathing and sarcasm. "You don't know pity. You see this as a way to look gracious in your own eyes; so you don't have to be held accountable for your own actions. And as for that second look, as you eloquently put it, I know exactly what drove that and it wasn't looked for baka." 

"Shut up." he growled, sliding out of the bed and putting on his pants and boots. 

Jess couldn't stop now. "Why don't you take a good long look in the mirror, baka? Or are you afraid of what you'll see there? That you'll see nothing more than a spoiled brat who met someone who wouldn't cave before him? That you will see yourself as less of a man? You disgust me, with your own disillusionment." 

"I said shut up." he made a motion to strike her. 

"But that's how you get your jollies, isn't it, you kusottare?! Isn't it?! You beat up on someone who's weaker than you physically? But I didn't take it lying down, which didn't suit your plans, ne? Ne?! So you had to resort to using a tool in place of your own strength, you weak incompetent fool of a-" 

"Shut up!" he roared, punching her in the face. 

She sprawled to the floor, landing on her legs. She was just picking herself up when he strode over and grabbed her by the hair, her blood smearing on the floor from her mouth. 

"You think you know me?" he hissed. "You know nothing. But I know more about you and that's why I have the power here; incapacitating you was only a precaution, since you have a predilection to running away on me. I know I can leave you with that blade in here and you won't have the guts to use it on yourself; I know you must have thought about killing yourself to escape this. I know that you're pitifully weak, seeking his love and affection, his acceptance when you don't deserve it at all. You want to not need it but you do. I can see it in your face; I saw it in your face at the party. You looked miserable but you were glad to see him. Him; that little weak blond sop of a boy." His lips twisted into a vicious sneer as he raised her head higher. "But no one touches what is mine, and that's what you are; mine. You have no say in the manner. If I want you help, I'll take it. If I want what's mine as your husband," his hand grasped her breast and squeezed it hard. "I'll fucking well take it. You are mine and not his; don't you ever forget that!" 

Jess remained motionless as he flung her to the floor hard. Her shoulders started shaking and soon, she was giggling. She looked up at him boldly, not backing down when he made a move to hit her. 

"Well then, let me tell you something about your self you insecure little ass wipe!" she spat out as she sat up as tall as she could. "You are a weak incompetent fool of a man. You can't do anything right. You never knew who you were, you don't know who the fuck you are and you are nothing more than a perpetual loser who has grandiose dreams about his character. I know my own shortcomings but you, like a trusting moronic, simple child, has trusted in yourself and distrusted it at the same time! You are the most fucked up individual that I have ever had the unfortunate displeasure of-" she coughed up blood as his booted foot sank into her stomach. 

"You still haven't learned have you?" he sneered, as he shrugged into his shirt casually. "I have no shortcomings; I am fine the way I am." 

"Persona, ego driven freak." she muttered harshly; another kick made her cough up more blood. "Truth hurts, ne?" 

"That's what I am talking about." he said with an irritated sigh. "You just…don't…learn!" each word was followed by a kick that landed on whatever body part. 

She lay there for a moment, her eyes resting on the dagger that lay a few centimetres away from her. She remained motionless until she heard a small 'hmph' and the sound of boots crossing the floor. Reaching forward, she grabbed the dagger and threw it at him with a flick of her wrist. It shaved past his neck and crashed uselessly against the door. He paused before he bent down and picked it up, walking back over slowly. 

"I think you want me to kill you right now." he said in a low tone as he crouched down before he. "I think you want more pain." 

"I think that I'm not going to give in so easily to the likes of you, kusottare." she said as she wiped away the blood from her lip. 

"I think I may have to break your hand. Give it to me." he ordered. 

"Iie, bakayaro." 

He grabbed her hand roughly and gave it a sharp unyielding twist at the wrist, the resulting crack echoing out through the room. Jess remained silent this time, her jaw twitching imperceptibly. He gave it a good final twist for good measure then dropped it. 

"Try to not get into too much trouble. It's now Thursday and I do want to have you around at least until Sunday." 

"Sorry, my Friday nights are booked solid." 

He made a move as if to hit her but thought better of it, a somewhat sadistic smile coming to his face. "Soon, you'll see what a real man can do." 

"I've already seen what real men do, I fought with them. They're the ones who ended the war. What I see before me is nothing more than a pathetic twisted Galatea, forged by a deluded egotistical Pygmalion." 

Jess didn't say anything afterwards. She could hear his footsteps as he left and closed the door behind himself. Once it closed, she sank completely to the floor, bent over her hand. The joint flopped around when she raised her arm. She had managed to fix her leg bones somewhat. But this…this just may be beyond her. 

"At least it wasn't my writing hand." she muttered as she managed to pull herself along the floor and up on the bed. 

She shivered slightly as she stared at the ceiling. It was cold in the room; she was starting to notice it now that her rage was cooling. Her breath came out in little puffs. She pulled the blankets over herself and held herself in her arms, wishing they were Quatre's instead. She knew what he would do in a situation like this; tell her it wasn't her fault, and that she had done all she could. How he would offer to help and try to cheer her up. A tear rolled down her cheek, followed by another and another until she was sobbing into the pillow. But what had happen was something far bigger. What if she ended up pregnant? Would he still want her then? Her heart said yes, but her mind was doubtful and she didn't know why. Perhaps he had placed it there with his words, questioned her feelings for Quatre, and they were still in their delicate stages. He knew her, ha! All he had done was manage to make her sink into a new hole of despair. Her mind couldn't stop asking the question now as it raced through her head, playing out new scenes, each one leaving her heart broken. Would Quatre still want her after this?   
  


All the other words and phrases, and this is long, gomen nasai, are as follows, in sequential order:   
Iie, Kamisama, kudasai… = Please God, no.   
Winner wa temae no kokoro desu ka? = Winner is your heart?   
Kamisama = God   
Kisama = You fuck   
Hentai; Hentai otoko = perverted; perverted man   
Baka = idiot   
Bakayaro = bastard   
kusottare = asshole   
ne = [at the end of the sentence] - right?; [at the beginning of a sentence] - Well?   
Iie, bakayaro = No, bastard 


	5. Five

_When All Is Lost..._

Chapter Five

Quatre shivered as he rubbed his gloved hands together in the frigid truck. He had left Coppermine behind him two days ago, and was now headed for… 

"We're going to Inuvik right?" he asked in a chattering voice. 

"That's right." the truck driver looked at him. "Are sure you're all right kid? You look like you're freezing to death." 

"I'm fine. I just don't deal well with the cold." he went back to trying to warm his hands. _'I guess I'm lucky. I could still be walking…'_

Silence filled the truck cabin as Quatre fell into his thoughts once more. The steady increase in coldness was starting to worry him. She must have been getting worse. He closed his eyes not even wanting to think about it. He stated out the window moodily for the rest of the trip, peering slightly as Inuvik started to come up from the distance. He got off at the truck stop, thanking his river before he made his way down to the shipyards. 

"Hopefully it's not here or already is." he murmured to himself as he made his way through the crowded wharf. _'I know it has to be here somewhere.'_ His hand grasped the spider around his neck. He made his way down, combing through carefully with some innocent questions; who was a good captain, were they looking for hired help, so forth. He was making his way to the final slip when an all too familiar figure strode down the gangplank purposefully. 

Quatre ducked behind a skid of fresh fish. He peered out watching as he walked all the way to the end of the wharf and disappeared. _'He's most likely going into town.'_ As soon as the way was clear he slipped back out and looked up at the ship's hull._ 'The Griffon.'_ He looked around carefully before he made his way over to an office building. 

"Excuse me Miss, could you help me?" he asked the secretary at the front; thankfully, that part of the place was empty for some odd reason. 

"What with Sir?" 

"I need some files. Your boss asked me to collect them for him. For that thing he was taking care of..." 

The girl looked puzzled. "I don't know exactly what you're talking about Sir. But I'll go and check." 

The minute the girl disappeared into the back, Quatre stole up to a computer. He quickly checked the registry before slipping back out again. With a frown he made his way over to a nearby payphone. 

"Hello?" came the cheery voice on the other end. 

"Duo, it's me." 

"Q-man! Where are you?!" 

"In Canada; the Northwest Territories." 

"That's where she is?" Duo sounded puzzled. "So why are the search parties looking on the Atlantic?" 

"Look, I can't answer all your questions now. I think the ship may be headed for Kavacha." 

"Kavacha?" 

"A small port on the Russia's eastern seaboard. I'm gonna try to sneak aboard the ship." 

"Are you crazy?! What if you get caught? They just might throw you overboard!" 

"I have no doubt." Quatre said wryly. "Can you meet me in Russia; the ship is leaving in a few hours. It's called the Griffon." 

"I guess so. Hilde wants me to leave her be for a bit." Duo sounded somewhat subdued. 

"All right. As soon as the ship docks, I'll come down with a…" he thought for a moment. "A rectangular crate. Do you think a specific crate handler could take care of that package?" 

"Of course." Duo fell oddly quiet. "It's him again, isn't it?" 

"Yeah." 

"I'll meet you there Q-man. That bastard is gong to regret everything he ever did to her." 

Quatre hung up the phone, hearing an abrupt dead tone. He knew Duo wasn't trying to be rude, but when he was mad… He made his way back to the Griffon's slip, watching as the crewmembers passed on and off the ship. He started to move when a particular one caught his eye; they had roughly the same build, and with the last vestiges of brown dye in his hair, they could have looked like brothers. The man wandered down the wharf, slipping into an alleyway when he thought he wasn't noticed. The man led him on a long wandering path before he slipped into an abandoned old building. 

"Um, excuse me?" Quatre asked as he slipped in. 

The man looked up at him startled, the cigarette half dangling from his mouth. "What do you want?" 

Quatre paused. "I was wondering if you need a light?" 

"I could use one." 

Quatre dug in his pocket, pulling out a book of matches. He lit one and held it out. 

"Thanks." the sailor took a deep drag. "That bastard never lets us have a smoke, much less a tot." 

"You don't like your captain much?" 

"No. He's a bleeding sadist. I would give anything to leave that cursed ship." 

"You know," Quatre began slowly. "We do kinda look the same." 

The sailor took another drag, finishing off his cigarette before he pulled out another. "Yeah, so?" 

Quatre held out another match. "I could take your place and no one would be the wiser." 

The sailor looked at him before he started laughing hard. "You want to get onto the ship?! You must be a different kind of person." 

"I've been told that." Quatre said. "So are you up to it? I'll even throw in what I'm wearing now." 

"Why do you want to get on the ship so badly?" the sailor's eyes became a bit shrewd. 

"It's heading to Russia. And-" 

"Oh, I see!" the man said with a loud guffaw and he clapped Quatre on the back. "Yeah, Kavacha does have its more memorable sights." 

"So you agree?" 

"Yeah, yeah. Soon enough I can be back home with my girl." the sailor smiled to himself. 

"Thank you. You don't know how much this means to-" 

"Come on already." the sailor said as he took off his shirt quickly. "This isn't going to happen by itself. Strip." 

~*~

The breeze whipped over the deck briskly, his hair catching in his eyelashes. Quatre pulled the locks out of the way only to have them whipped back. The coldness was even cutting through the thick fur lined parka. He shoved his hands in his pockets, watching the white crested waves as they broke themselves against the hull. He felt odd again, now it was a sense of numbness that permeated his being. In addition to his aching legs and coldness, he wished to God that he were anywhere but here, with Jess. 

"This wasn't supposed to happen." he whispered to himself. 

"Hey Truston, come over here for a second!" 

Quatre looked up and saw a man half standing in the doorway. He walked over, shoulders hunched against the wind. "Yes?" 

"Aren't you on boiler room duty now?" 

"That's not for another five minutes. I'll get going though." he said moving past the man. 

The grey walls of the ship's interior didn't do much to improve his mood. He paused in front of a map, before he continued on downwards, the heat increasing steadily. When he finally found his way down to the room, the sight of bulky tanks greeted him, with large pipes running from and around the room. Spying the other man, he signalled him to leave. He hurried down the ladder, taking his seat in front of the control levers. _'This is going to be one hell of a boring trip.'_

~*~

Quatre sighed as he dunked the brush into the bucket and brought it back to the floor with a wet slop; apparently this Truston was the lapdog of the entire ship's crew. Not that the captain did anything against it. First it was boiler room duty, then taking the night watch two nights in a row - at three a.m. and now, on the fourth day, he found himself on the officer's quarters level, scrubbing the already spotless floor. 

"Hey Truston! You missed a spot!" 

He looked up, seeing a man come tramping down the hallway with dirt caked shoes. With a heavy sigh, he got to work on cleaning up the fresh mess. _'I am never going in for military service.'_ He started scrubbing the floor again rather hard with a frown on his face. This hallway never seemed to end. He glanced up once, hearing a door open and shut abruptly before he resumed scrubbing. He didn't say anything as the shadow passed over him and down the next corridor. 

Once the silence came back, he tossed the brush into the bucket and stole down to the doorway. He jiggled the doorknob, finding it locked. He pressed his ear to the door hearing a moan come from the other side. His heart clutched in fear; it sounded so faint. He dropped to his knees and looked through the slit underneath. He could see the floor, and a few carelessly discarded objects. Then he saw it - a bloodied hand lying motionless against the floor, almost out of sight . 

He rose hastily and jiggled the door handle harder, wishing he had the key. It may have taken awhile, but he finally found the room. He paused as he heard the all too familiar sound of feet coming down the hallway. Rushing back to his bucket and brush, he started cleaning again as a bunch of sailors came by. He didn't say anything as the bucket was 'accidentally' knocked over. Once they left, he picked it up again and continued working. Everything was ready and waiting. There was little less than a day to Kavacha. 

~*~

"Hey Truston! Wakey wakey!" 

Quatre looked up groggily and staggered to the door. "Yes?" 

"Captain says he wants you in the cargo hold, helping to load up the lifts. We've reached Kavacha and that cargo isn't going to unload itself." 

"Where's the captain now?" he asked running a hand through his hair. 

"Out on deck or shore most likely. Truston, I'd get my ass moving if I were you." 

Quatre watched as the man hurried down the hallway before he closed the door and pulled a shirt on. He walked out into the hallway and up to the officer's quarters, making sure that no one saw him. Crouching in front of the door, he searched around in his pocket until he found a bobby pin and started to pick the lock. After a few minutes, the sound of the lock gave. He opened it and ducked in quickly, not wanting to be caught. 

"Allah…" he breathed in a weak voice as he took in the sight before him. 

She lay there on the bed, unmoving and out cold, the dark purple and black bruises colouring her face and body. Her left hand hung at an impossible angle, while her legs had a somewhat similar look. Where all the caked blood on the bed came from, he didn't even what to think of; but he had a sinking feeling it had to do with why she was covered from head to toe in cuts and deep slashes. 

"Jess?" he went over to the bed, taking the good clean blanket at the foot and started to wrap her up in it carefully. "Jess, answer me please. Jess?" nothing. "Koi?" he asked hopefully. 

She still didn't reply, simply remaining limp in his arms. He swallowed hard as he bent forward; he could barely feel her breath move past her lips. His lips thinned out as he started for the door and walked out, thankful that the hallway was empty. Quickly, he made his way down to the cargo hold, avoiding the questioning looks of the other sailors as he hurried. Making it to the end of the hold, he slipped in between the crates, finding the box he had prepared. He nudged the cover open and laid her in, thankful that he had found a bunch of discarded clean old clothes. 

"Don't die on me." he whispered as he laid her in. 

He touched her discoloured face gently before he closed the lid and got it up on the trolley. Slightly breathless, he pushed it to the loading area. He watched as they loaded the crate on and it was lifted up. As soon as it started for the dock, he turned and left, hurrying up through the ship and down the gangplank as he shoved on his parka. Even now, he could see the flash of a long braid through the people milling around before it disappeared beneath a hood. 

"Where are you going Truston?" 

He turned around, swallowing as he faced him again. "Disposing of some waste Sir. Old rags and such fit for the trash." 

"Which box?" the grey eyes took on a suspicious light. 

"The one there Sir. Top, left corner." 

"I think I shall take a look in this box. I don't recall pre-approving any action of this sort." 

Quatre swallowed hard, waiting as the skid was lowered down with a thunk and the lines were released. 

"You over there! Get that box down and opened." 

Quatre breathed a sigh of relief as the trolley boy hurried over, giving him a shaded look under the hood. The box was brought down and loaded onto the trolley. Quatre felt his hand tighten into a fist as the captain reached for the lid and started to lift it off. He looked up to see Duo's violet eyes flashing between worry and anger. Quatre shook his head imperceptibly, hoping to God Duo didn't do anything too rash; not that he blamed him. 

The lid was rising faster now, the bits of blanket visible when a loud snap came from the ship, followed by the cries of loud and panicked voices. The captain let the lid slam back shut, causing a soft groan to come from inside. Duo and Quatre looked at each other before the captain's words caught their attention. 

"Take the trash away. Make sure you get back here soon, Truston. I don't need anyone abandoning me." 

"Yes Sir. Let's go." he said to the trolley boy. 

They weaved their way through their crowded dock until they reached a quieter, and much more deserted section. There stood a truck with the gate open, ready to be loaded. 

"Nice acting job there." Duo said as he threw his hood back. 

"Thanks. Let's get out of here before he realizes." Quatre said. 

They quickly pushed the trolley up. 

"You stay there Q-man." Duo said as he wheeled the trolley down and slammed the gate shut. "There's extra blankets and stuff there if it gets too cold. Shouldn't be though, I checked the heating before I borrowed this thing." 

"All right. How far are we going?" 

"Just to China." 

"China?!" 

"Yeah. Wufei owed me one. Turns out he has a small place in the Northern province. Guess where we're heading to." 

"Can you get past the border?" 

"Wufei arranged it all. Make sure you get her comfortable. This is going to be one hell of a bumpy ride." Duo said, pulling down the flap of cloth and securing it before he walked to the front and started up the truck. 

Quatre grabbed some blankets and opened up the box, squeezing them in gently as the truck started rumbling its way down the street. He bent down closer and gazed down into her face, his heart feeling inordinately pained. Taking her right hand, he held it close, kissing it every once in awhile. _'Don't die. Please, don't die.'_

"Quatre…" 

He looked down, almost about to burst into tears. "Jess, I'm here. Say something." 

"Quatre…" the words were faint barely heard over the truck wheels. "Ai…shi…" her words trailed off as she passed out again. 

He kissed her hand again, fiercely almost, tears stinging his eyes. _'Don't die on me Jess. Don't leave me alone…'_


	6. Six

_When All Is Lost…_

Chapter Six

_Jess opened her eyes as the fresh scent of grass filled her nose. "I'm not dead?" She rose shakily, looking at her hands. They were fine and whole, not a single bone broken. Her hands flew to her face, not feeling any of the bumps of tender spots. She looked back at her hands, tears starting to come to her eyes. _

"I'm not dead!!" she exclaimed happily, looking at herself in amazement before she took a step forward. 

She took another one forward, amazed at how her legs didn't buckle beneath her. Before long she was walking rapidly before she broke into a full run, laughing out loud. No more would she ever have to worry about Samuel and all that he had done to her. She flung herself to the ground, inhaling the scent of the earth and the grass before she rolled over and closed her eyed happily. 

It was all over. She was fine, safe and had nothing to fear any longer. She remained there, spread eagled on the ground, too content to move at all. The sun was warm and slowly, she found herself drifting off on blissful empty waves to sleep. 

~*~

She opened her eyes once more, seeing a bright light come seeping in. She winced, closing them abruptly against such intrusion. It hurt her head, it made it spin, and it made her feel like she wanted to throw up. Rolling over with a groan, she burrowed back underneath the thick blankets as best she could. The quieter she was the more likely he was to sleep if she feigned no motion for at least five minutes. She could escape another painful session of- 

"I think she may be waking up now. Go get some water." 

She paused, opening her eyes once more and looking at the blanket intently; was she hearing things or was that Duo's voice she heard? But what had happened to the grass and the fresh air? Her legs hurt just like before and she felt sick, like she wanted to throw up. 

"It wasn't real," she whispered to herself in a broken hoarse voice. "It wasn't real at all…" she held herself and started to cry. 

"Jessica? Are you up?" 

She shrank away as a hand touched her shoulder, eyes squeezing shut. Now it would all start again and she would die for sure. There was no way that was Duo's voice she had heard. She had become delusional in her desire to escape. She was sick and tired of Samuel treating her like he did. As soon as he left, she would take that knife and - 

"Jesus, Maxwell!" the sound of a door being opened and closed echoed up through the walls. "You still haven't cleaned up the blood?! It's been three days!!" 

Jess remained silent, her eyes wide and unblinking; there was only one person she knew who could sound, much less be, that irritated and arrogant at the same time. 

"Wufei?" she coughed and struggled to sit up, collapsing back down as she inadvertently rested on her broken, and bandaged, wrist. "Duo?" she blinked seeing her brother's relieved indigo- purple eyes and swinging braid. 

"You are! Quatre, hurry up with that water!" Duo exclaimed as he ran to and yelled out the door. 

Jess looked around taking in her surroundings. The plain demoralizing grey walls were gone to be replaced by a jade coloured room, the light emphasising the book filled wall and leather chair tucked into the lighted corner. She moved her head, seeing the black lamp gleam with white curves, the colours winking off. She closed her eyes and groaned again; everything seemed like it was starting to whirl violently. 

"Duo…" she gasped, rolling over to the edge of the bed. "I'm think I'm gonna hurl." 

"Wha…hang on! I'll be back in five seconds!" he raced from the room. 

Jess lay there trying to quell the uprising for at least two minutes. She never saw Duo come back but as soon as a basin materialized, she let it loose, her stomach heaving violently before she sank back to the bed, feeling weaker and exhausted. 

"You didn't throw anything up." he looked into the bowl half disgusted at what he saw, half puzzled. 

"Thanks for noticing." she said retorted in trembling voice. 

"Here's the water you wanted." Quatre said as he walked into the room. "Wufei gave me hell for the blood we didn't clean up yet. Jess…you're up." 

She took the glass with her good hand, avoiding his eyes. She drank it all down slowly before she placed it on the table and sank back down, pulling the covers up and not saying a word. A somewhat tense silence descended before Duo spoke. 

"I think I'll go see about cleaning up that mess. The longer it sits there the more Wufei is gonna bitch and complain." 

A sharp knock came on the door. "I heard that Maxwell!" 

"See what I mean?" he gave them both a grin before he left the room silently. 

_'Yeah, sure, just leave why don't you?'_ She shifted slightly, almost pulling the blanket up over half her face. As much as she was glad to see Quatre, she just wanted to be alone now. Nothing was said for a few minutes more before the sound of him sitting on the bedside seat came. 

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly. 

"My kingdom for an aspirin." she muttered, glancing at him. 

"You shouldn't really have drugs in your system." he said quietly. "But if your head is really hurting…" 

She sighed heavily as Quatre reached over for the bottle and proffered one. "Thank you." she took it and swallowed it gratefully before she closed her eyes. Her bones ached and felt so skewered that she almost wanted them chopped off. 

"Dr. Po said your legs might not heal properly." 

"Dr. Po?" she asked looking at him alarmed; she wasn't aware of any doctor examining her. 

"She's a friend of Wufei's. She was waiting for us here and looked you over since you were out . She says that you'll walk again but doesn't know how the bones will heal." 

"Oh." she lapsed back into silence. 

"Your wrist will heal and you should have full use of it again. Some of those cuts are going to leave scars." 

She nodded again as she gazed up at the ceiling. "How did you…how many days was I asleep for?" 

"A week." he replied. "You slept even when the guards were yelling at us at the border." 

"Border?" 

"We're in China now." he explained. "Duo said driving from there to here was murder." 

"China? So he doesn't know where I am?" she asked in a hopeful whisper. 

"By now, I'd imagine he's realized you're gone. Where exactly though…" he trailed off, shaking his head. 

She nodded, rubbing her face with her right hand. "Could I go back to sleep…please?" 

"Sure." he said rising. "If you need anything just ring this bell." 

She glanced over at the brass object within reach. "Thank you." 

"Sleep well." he said reaching for her hand. 

She retraced it back immediately before she could think. She looked up at him guiltily before she looked away and pulled the blanket closer around her. A few seconds later, she heard his feet against the carpet as the door was shut quietly. Closing her eyes shut, she tried to not let the tears run down her cheeks. She gave a shaky choked sob, before she wrapped her arms around herself and tried her best to go to sleep. 

~*~

_The ground pounded as she ran, the light up ahead in the distance. It was so close, all she had to do was reach out and touch it. The warmth flowed back into her outstretched hand, the skin glowing. Then it all vanished away, the darkness around encroaching again. _

She felt hands on her, grasping, restraining, fingers digging in. And those grey eyes that burned with a malicious intensity that made her scream inside; only now, they made her scream for real. 

~*~

"Jess! Wake up!" 

Her eyes flew open, her vocal chords still working at full capacity. She didn't see anything at all, all she could see was an indistinct shape. She screamed even louder, flailing with her good fist as she felt hands settle on her shoulder. She'd fight him even if he truly did bury that dagger in her heart. Suddenly more hands descended, making her lash out even more. 

Whatever words they said were drowned out by her voice, her fist still connecting with flesh. After a muffled expletive that sounded particularly angered, a light was finally flicked on, making her blink and shield her eyes, as well as stop screaming. 

"Finally, onna. You could have brought the house down with your noise." 

She blinked as her pupils adjusted to the light, seeing Duo, Wufei and Quatre standing there, winces on their faces. She cringed seeing the black eyes that Duo and Wufei now sported while Quatre had a rather large black and blue bruise rapidly forming on his jaw. This was not what she had envisioned for the start of her second week here. 

"What were you screaming about?" Duo asked seating himself on the edge of the bed. 

"I thought…I thought I wasn't here," she whispered, pulling at the hem of the blanket. "I didn't mean to disturb you all from your sleep." 

Duo nodded his head with a sympathetic smile. "Do you want one of us to stay with you for tonight?" 

She didn't say anything for a few minutes, hearing Wufei mutter something about babysitting and the things he did. She shook her head vehemently, still a bit unsure herself. Wufei turned and left with a sigh while Quatre volunteered to go make some ice packs, or find some meat. Duo sat there for a few minutes before he looked at her bandaged hand. 

"God Jess, you never told me anything," he said, shaking his head. "Why didn't you?" 

"I didn't want you to know." she said. "I was ashamed." she didn't know why though; it wasn't her fault in the slightest. 

"He's the one that should be ashamed, doing this to you." Duo's voice was clipped before he sighed and ran a hand through his bangs. "Maybe you should just take a painkiller. Sally said you shouldn't really take them beyond necessary…but if you can't get a decent night's rest." 

"Drifting off for awhile is probably better." she murmured. 

Duo rose and left before coming back with the bottle. "This stuff does have codeine in it, so go easy, all right." 

"Thank you." She took one and promptly swallowed it. "Good night Duo." 

"Night Jess." he leaned forward to give her a kiss on the head but stopped seeing her cower. "Jesus, just what did he do to you?" 

She shook her head, biting her lip hard. "Duo…I want him to suffer for what he did. I want him to die a slow and painful death. Am I wrong for wanting such things?" 

"No." Duo's face became grim. "Is he still on that ship?" 

"Probably. Where it is, I have no idea. I don't want to know." she sighed and closed her eyes. "I just want to rest, Duo." 

"It's all right," he said gently as he dimmed the light to a quiet glow. "I'll take care of everything." 

Jess paused; she didn't think she would ever hear that tone in Duo's voice again; not after what happened at the church. "Duo?" she forced her eyelids open; that codeine was working fast. "Are you leaving?" her voice was slurred also. 

"Two weeks tops, then I'll be back." he looked back at her. "No one messes with Maxwells like this and doesn't regret it." 

~*~

Jess looked outside, the early morning sunlight streaming in on faint dusty beams through the Venetian blinds. Being bedridden for a week has done nothing to improve her mood. She hugged the pillow closer to her body and rested her head against it. She threw up every time she ate something and felt like crap in general. The bottle of painkillers beside her bed was nearly empty and the water pitcher was almost full. For most of the week, she had been on painkillers, asleep in a dark dreamless place or drifting off contentedly, where memories couldn't haunt her. Today was the one day that she wasn't on the drug. 

She knew it wasn't good for her to be like this. With so many healing parts, she needed all the energy she could get. But food simply wasn't sitting well with her at all. All she honestly felt like doing was lying here in the dark; there was something else wrong with her; she didn't know what, but she knew it. 

"Jess? Are you up?" 

"Come in Quatre." she called softly. "You brought breakfast?" she couldn't stop the groan that escaped. 

"You need to eat." Quatre placed the tray down on the bedside table. "Did you sleep well?" 

"Thanks to these." she pointed to the bottle. 

"Are you still having nightmares?" 

"I imagine I would if I didn't take the pills," she said softly, not looking at him. "Are there any more? This bottle's almost done." 

"One more bottle. Then I'll have to go to the pharmacy." 

"How's your jaw?" she asked, piping up. 

"Better. Not as sore." he said. "The bruise is fading." 

She nodded before she leaned over slightly. "What kind of soup is it?" 

"Your favourite, beef consommé." 

"You make it sound so fancy….beef consommé. Just call it beef broth, Q-kun." she chuckled. 

He gave her a look as he handed her the napkin and spoon. "I'll call it consommé, thank you. I put in some vegetables this time." 

"No green beans?" she tucked in the napkin and held her spoon. 

"No green beans." he placed the tray over her lap. "And they're all really soft too." 

"Eww…soggy veggies." she made a face. "Not crunchy?" 

"No." 

She sighed as she started to eat. "Did you have breakfast already?" 

"I'm not really hungry," he said, shaking his head. "You go on. Do you want anything else?" 

"This is fine, thank you." she sipped quietly before she looked at him. "Quatre?" 

"Yes?" 

"Give me your hand." 

He looked puzzled but moved forward and held it out. She didn't say anything, simply reaching out with her bandaged hand and placing it in his, trying to stop the trembling that had taken hold. He looked at her surprised. 

"Jess-" 

"I know you would never hurt me Quatre," she said. "I know it, but my flesh…it has learned a harsh lesson very quickly and is still basing reactions from it. It's going to take me awhile to work past that." 

He nodded his head. "You had me slightly worried." his hand curled around hers softly. "I know that you don't like to talk about things of this nature." 

"I know. I'd rather not talk about it now. Maybe later…" she sighed and put down the spoon. "Did Dr. Po state when she was coming back?" 

"Two to three weeks, and that soonest. Do you feel sick?" 

"I just wanted to talk to her for myself. I still don't feel fine." she shrugged. "Maybe it's just me. I could be turning into a hypochondriac." 

"You're fine, don't worry." 

"Your jaw…" she paused, unsure of what to say next. "I didn't know…I mean, it was…I didn't mean it." she finally said in a small voice. 

"I know you didn't." he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Did you want to finish off your book today?" 

"Yeah." She said, staring at the soup bowl. "It's winding down." 

"You don't want anymore?" he asked seeing the expression on her face. 

Jess looked at him. "Not really. But, I'll eat it," she smiled seeing the doubtful look on his face. "I know I may bring it back up, but I have to eat something." 

"Maybe you should give your stomach a break," he suggested. "It has been a week." 

She nodded her head before she looked at him and gave a wane smile. "I will. After I finish the consommé." 


	7. Seven

A/N: I was listening to my Winamp playlist and realized that there is a song for Quatre and Jess. What a weirdo I am....anyways, if you even bother, it's _Be With You_ by _**GLAY**_, a really beautiful song. The lyrics are so moving and describe Quatre and Jess' relationship past, the phase it is going through and future *koff* foreshadowing people, foreshadowing! *koff*. English translation is at the end of the chapter. ^^ Next chapter is Quatre...sorry 'bout breaking the chain there. ^^' 

_When All Is Lost..._

Chapter Seven

Jess stared up at the ceiling with a somewhat bored expression. Being bedridden for the past few days was not her idea of a good time, especially when all she could do was read and write. Restlessly, she rubbed her hands, attempting to alleviate the itch she felt; how good it would feel to have the smooth keys of a piano beneath her fingertips, the notes filling the air instead of the wretched silence. 

"Come on now, you know they're doing a lot simply being here with you." she said aloud as she looked over at the bedside table. "But I cannot read one more chapter of that book...I'll go nuts...I should have asked for more." 

She eyed the wall filled with books; it was only a few feet away. Surely it wouldn't be too much to move herself a bit and select a new one. But Quatre had admonished her from moving beyond necessary. She could have called him to get her a new one, but she knew he was busy making dinner. Chewing on her lip, she dismissed the idea of asking Wufei; that would simply spark another debate between them and she found those exhausting lately - more than usual actually. 

She shrugged and looked around for something to propel herself over to the bookcase. Come to think of it...she had never bothered to see what the floor was. It took her a few minutes, but she was soon leaning over the side of the bed, smiling as the polished hardwood strips greeted her sight. 'Bingo.' Another cursory inspection proved that there was not a single easily moveable chair that she could use, not even at the desk beside the window. 

"Damnit," she muttered as she started to throw blankets on the floor. "You think he would have a chair on rollers with a floor like this." 

She slipped down off the edge of the bed, taking the blankets with her; she didn't want to have to fight her way back if she got cold. She bit down on her lip hard when her shin banged against the edge of the bed before thudding down on the floor. She looked up as she fought the urge to curse. 

"Are you all right Jess?" Quatre's voice was coming down the hallway. 

"I'm fine! Thank you!" she called back quickly. "Just make sure dinner doesn't burn!" 

Nothing came for a few minutes before the sounds of his footsteps retreating came. She sighed and started to slide herself over with her good arm, sweat beading on her brow. When she finally made it over to the bookcase, she was panting, leaning against the wall heavily. 

"OK...you've had better ideas." she gasped. "But you are within reach of books." 

She pulled one down from the shelf and started to read, pillowing her back with the thicker blankets - that part of her seemed to be a bit sorer as well. She hoped that doctor came within the next two weeks. She felt her eyelids grow heavy but she fought it forcing them open as soon as she realized they were closed. Dragging herself across the floor was more work than she had thought. 

When she opened them again, she saw an unfamiliar face in the doorway, the blue eyes framed by honey coloured hair. She started, body tensing up when she felt a hand take hers. 

"It's all right Jess. This is Dr. Po. She finally came to look at you." Quatre said, stilling her trembling. 

"I came as soon as I could." the woman said softly. 

"Pardon?" she looked confused as she looked at him and then warily at the woman in the door. 

"Yes. Quatre told me about your symptoms over the phone so I took so leave time to come and see for myself. I assumed you still want this under secrecy." 

"Yes, thank you Sally." Quatre said. 

Jess didn't reply, looking at her stonily. She didn't care if this was the same doctor who looked at her before. Who knew how that sick bastard operated - she thought he had died before and somehow he came back from space to plague her once more. 

"I'll set up Quatre. You get her on the bed." Sally said as she set her bag down and started through it. 

Jess looked at Quatre who had a pleading expression in his eyes. She nodded before she wrapped the blanket tightly around her; she still didn't like excessive contact of skin. 

"Perhaps it's just me, or do all you Maxwells not listen when something is said for your benefit?" Quatre had a somewhat amused tone of disapproval in his voice. "We wanted you to stay in bed so you could heal properly." 

"I wanted to read another book." she said simply with a slight shrug. 

"Why didn't you ask me to get it for you?" he laid her down gently on the bed's soft surface. "You know I would have." 

"I know. I didn't want to disturb you though." she shrugged. "I got it." 

"You were dozing off when we came in." Quatre's eyes were extremely concerned. "You've been very tired lately." 

"So, I've slept for the past few days." she shrugged. "A bit of sleep never hurt anyone." 

He shook his head. "You've been sleeping for four days straight at a time and staying awake for one." 

"What? So you mean two weeks hasn't passed?" she looked surprised. 

"No. It's been eight. Every time one of us comes in to see how you're doing, you were out like a light." he sat beside her. "But on the bright side, your appetite has come back." 

"Uh huh." she couldn't help but smile. "What were you whipping up for dinner? Stew?" she looked hopeful. 

"Tuna casserole." 

"Oh...tuna..." she managed to keep the smile on her face. 

"That was all that was left. Wufei went to get food when I started dinner. It's not that bad. I make good casseroles." a small smile darted across his face. 

"Of course you do. I just hate casseroles. Tuna I can tolerate." 

"All right then," Sally came over, shooing Quatre out of his spot and flicking on a penlight. "How have you been feeling lately?" 

She looked over at him before answering. "Really tired...and I'm hungry. My back kinda hurts and I am sick and tired of staying in bed." 

"Well that might be expected at this two month mark. You're body is heading into the final stages of healing. You'll be out of bed soon enough. Have you experienced any soreness anywhere?" 

"My back." she said, forcing herself to keep her eyes open as the light was flashed in. 

"Your back?" Sally turned off the light and put the stethoscope on her ears. "In what manner; general soreness or full back pain? Breathe in please." 

Jess flinched as the cold metal was pressed to her chest with just enough force but she breathed and managed to keep herself calm. "Soreness; it kills to move it some days, other days, it's OK." 

"All right," Sally whisked away the cold metal and took out a tongue depressor. "I hear you were throwing up for awhile." 

"I was. I can eat now." she said before allowing the wood to press her tongue down. 

"For how long could you not eat?" 

"A week or two...three tops." Quatre interjected. "Then she was hungry all the time." 

"Hm. I'm going to have to look at your legs. Could you move the blanket, please?" 

She swallowed as Sally walked away to get something as she reluctantly peeled away the protective layers of cloth. The ugly jagged scar lines ran down her thigh to her knee, halting there before it continued on down her calf. The worst was the large fist sized blemishes that lay smack dab in the middle of her shins, her right one twisting out slightly in a repulsive testament to what the sledgehammer had... She choked back a sob as Sally went to work quickly, feeling the skin and inspecting the scar lines; it hurt slightly, nothing she couldn't tolerate. As soon as she finished, she whipped the blankets back over her legs, not saying a word. 

"Well, the good news is that your legs should be fine by the end of three months. From then on, you'll have to get yourself walking again. I have some crutches out in my car that I'll leave with you." Sally said as she put away her small hammer. "Your reflexes are a lot slower in your right leg as opposed to your right one, but you are lucky to even have that left leg; that one will make things harder for you." 

Jess nodded her head silently. "So I'll be fine soon?" 

"At this stage, I can say yes. A final prognosis, I can't tell yet. Could I take a blood sample to analyze?" Sally asked rummaging around in her bag once more. "I could do a quick field analysis of it and isolate the problem." 

With a swallow, Jess nodded and offered her arm slowly. She wasn't expecting this to come up. She fell back into her stony faced silence as Sally took the syringe and drew a small quantity of blood. She rubbed gingerly at the spot that had been pricked once Sally left the room. 

"Are you all right?" Quatre took his seat beside her once more. 

"I feel like I want to take a nap again." she gave a shaky smile. "Was it really eight weeks?" 

Quatre nodded. "It was." 

"Did Duo come back yet? He said he would be gone for two weeks." 

"No," Quatre said after a few minutes. "Duo hasn't come back yet." 

"He-He hasn't?" she looked shocked. "But...Duo...said..." 

"I know he said two weeks. Maybe he got held up somewhere." Quatre gazed at the lamp for a minute. "Maybe it's taking him longer to do whatever it was he's doing." 

"I hope that's it...if I lost my brother..." she whispered, grasping his hand tightly. 

"He'll come back. According to him, it's almost impossible to kill a Maxwell." Quatre said in a light voice. 

Jess felt a shiver of terror run through her at his words. She knew he didn't mean them in a bad way, but she remember the knife and how willing she had become to use it on herself. She blinked before she hugged him suddenly, ignoring the twinge from her left wrist. 

"Jess?" Quatre asked, his hands hovering around her unsure. 

"Never let me go." she whispered. "I don't want you to." 

They didn't say anything more as they held each other, content to have their moment. When Sally knocked before coming back in the room, they drew apart, but still holding hands. She smiled, seeing their interlaced fingers; that much prolonged contact didn't bother her as much now. That hug had crept under her skin though. She would have to work on that on next. 

"Jessica...how old are you?" 

"Seventeen...I'll be eighteen soon enough; why?" 

Sally looked back down at the paper in her hands. "And when was your last menstruation?" 

"Erm..." her face flared a violent red as she struggled to recall; it was a lot trying to simply recall descending through the atmosphere during the battle. "I can't remember." 

"According to this, it was almost three months ago." Sally said. "Do you realize what that means?" 

Jess' brow furrowed as she thought. "I lucked out in some regard?" "

No." Quatre said slowly, shaking his head his eyes troubled. "Something else." 

Jess looked at him as he said the last words so slowly. What could have made him say it like that? It was three months ago, and she was fine now, so the only reason why it wouldn't come was if she was - 

"Oh God, no!" she gasped, looking back at Sally horrified. It was all terribly clear now. "Please tell me that it's not..." her voice was a bare and rather stark whisper. 

"I'm sorry, but it's true. The symptoms only verified my results." Sally looked saddened. "You're pregnant." 

~*~

"Jess, you have to eat something." the sound of a spoon being stirred in a bowl echoed out dully through the room. 

She looked up at Quatre before she looked away, closing her eyes. "I'm not hungry." 

Sally had left soon after her diagnosis was well as advising her to get plenty of rest and not overexert herself. _'Not a lot of caffeine, sit in back support chairs, make sure you exercise carefully, no hunching...more bloody rules...more bloody headaches...'_ She clutched the pillow closer, feeling misery well up inside as she lay half curled up on the bed. Duo was gone for almost three months and now she had this to deal with...this wasn't supposed to happen to her; she was the good guy here, the one who should have ended up happy in the end. 

"Jess, please eat something." Quatre's voice was soft and insistent as he stroked her hand. 

"No." she repeated again sullenly. 

"At least think of the baby." 

She froze at his words before she spat out her response. "Think of the baby? Think of the baby?! That's all I've been thinking about since I heard the wretched news!" she snarled at him. "How do you think I feel? That sick bastard knocked me up in the worst way possible, and now I have something from him growing inside me like some...like some pestilence!" she glared at him. "This child is the last thing I want to think about!" 

"Either way you look at it Jess, the child is growing inside of you. And you can't abort, not in your current state." he paused. "That would be too taxing." 

"Fuck my state!" she yelled, snatching her hand away. "I never wanted this child, I never asked for it! Why the hell should I keep it?" she closed her eyes, feeling her temples throb. "What good will come of it?!" 

"Jess, I didn't mean it in tha-" 

"Of course you didn't; you just want me to do what's right. Always the right thing!" she looked away. "I am fucking sick and tired of doing the right thing. Look at what the right thing did to me! Look at me!! I'll be partially crippled for the rest of my life and have the stigma of teen pregnancy over my head. Pregnant at seventeen, Quatre, seventeen fucking years old!" she rolled over onto her other side, facing away from him. 

"It's not the end of the world." he sounded saddened and somewhat lost. "There are things you could do." 

"Like what? Becoming a statistic?" she said, tears coming to her eyes; she was crying a lot more easily now. "Another single teen mom doomed to live on welfare?" 

"No, it doesn't have to be that way. I-" 

"You don't know the first thing about what I am going through!" she screamed at him suddenly. "Get out! Get out, get out, get out!!" 

She broke into full sobs as she buried her face in the pillow, unwilling to look at him. When she heard the door close softly, she sobbed harder, tears washing the cloth. This was the worst thing that he had ever done to her, and now she felt like she just wanted that dagger buried in her heart now.   
  


~*~

  
  
  


Here's those lyrics I promised. And in English too...I don't think romanji would have been a good idea. ^^' Recalling _**Torment of Paradise**_ would be helpful as well. ^__^ 

_**GLAY** - Be With You_

That I could meet you...   
And mixed-up happiness   
Before my eyes is the bound line   
The future seems to be near but an endlessly far   
Happiness is, perhaps, unintentional   
Satisfied, time hides its face   
Neither being able to afford to look back   
Nor turning to peace of mind   
Longing for the strength to live out   
Let me stay here a little more 

When I was nearly buried in the throng   
'Cause some dreams got blurred   
And I could not convey my timid heart-pounding   
That I could meet you...   
Things we can believe   
Touched by each of them   
On the unobstructed way leading to you   
Now I hope to send you my love in bundles 

When I feel the joy of loving you   
And the sparkle of life, like wrapping the pain   
Thinking tenderly of the frailty   
That nobody can live out his life all by himself   
Lovingly, I held that hand 

On the days when things don't go as I hope   
I find myself losing a tender heart   
Yes, it's still on the half way of my dream   
Saying to myself so, I got to sleep 

If we begin to doubt   
There'll be no bounds   
So from sometime hard to speak our minds   
We came to keep silent 

How far should we go?   
Just in the forest of illusion...   
Just keep runnning there   
Still I have things that I can't budge   
On those who hate the never-healed times   
Without saying a word, ah....   
Beyond the sinking sun   
I wanna guard you forever   
'Cause the blue of memories   
I can't hold back my tears 

That I could meet you...   
The mixed-up happiness   
From now on, only you and me   
With heart to heart each other   
On the unobstructed way leading to you   
Bundling the loves now...   
And I wanna be your love 


	8. Eight

A/N: Wow. . .I was expecting no reviews for this!! I was purely writing this because I wanted to get deeper into Quatre and Jess' relationship and see if I can finally get on with the third part to their story. So, this is the part where I respond to reviews. I mean, you took the time to actually click on the button and say something! The least I can do is reply. ^^ 

**_somebody_** - I'm a going!! This chapter isn't their finest hour. . .or it might be. . .I'll leave that to you to decide. ^_~ But I have to ask. . .what was up with this: x 123094850438 ~ o.0 ~ I can be incredibly slow sometimes; so if you are in disbelief of exasperated, I'm honestly not surprised.   
**_TuttiFruttiJudi_** - I'm glad you like this pairing. I got so sick of seeing Mary-Sues -always perfect and. . . .gah. . .I find it hard to even say! - and, as such, that I wanted to make a different sort of character. Did I succeed? Personally, Jess has taken on a life of her own in my eyes...damn stubborn girl... 

_When All Is Lost…_

Chapter Eight

Quatre looked at the door before he walked out to the living room and sat down in the seat heavily before hanging his head down in his hands. "This has gone from bad to worse." 

What on Earth could he do to try and solve this problem? Jess obviously didn't want to be around anyone. If she wasn't sleeping, she was reading and almost non-responsive. She was slowly retreating into herself despite putting on a good face for the few times when she interacted with someone. _'Jess, you constantly do this…why can't you just stop?'_ He rose smelling a slight burning from the kitchen. He took out the casserole and placed it on the stove, staring at it. 

Maybe he wasn't dealing with this too well either. All he was saying was "You'll get better, don't worry." and "You should do what's best." and similar things. How did he honestly feel about this? It was sickening that- 

"Allah!" he jumped feeling a hand settle on his shoulder. 'Wufei, you shouldn't sneak up on a person like that." 

"Sneak up?" Wufei arched an eyebrow. "I made the world's biggest racket coming back in." he gestured to the plastic bags at his feet. "You were simply lost in thought." 

Quatre nodded absentmindedly as he picked up some bags and started to put the items away. Crackers in the pantry, bread in the box on the counter…how could he reached Jess again? The last thing he wanted was for her to drift away and he could never reach her, get through to her, ever again. But the more he thought about it, the more he found himself- 

"Quatre!" 

"What?!" he yelled in an irritated voice as he whirled around to face Wufei. "I'm sorry." he stammered out quickly, surprised at himself. "I-I didn't mean to. I'm just tired…stressed maybe." he rubbed the bridge of his nose. 

"I think you did." Wufei stated quietly as he closed the fridge door. 

"No, no. I didn't mean to yell at you at all." he balled up the plastic bags and shoved them in their drawer. 

"I think you haven't been dealing with this at all. Have you, Quatre?" 

Quatre paused as he closed the drawer. "She needs me now, Wufei. She's my main concern." 

"How can you help her if you're like this?" Wufei walked up to him rested the last bag on the counter. "How does it make you feel?" 

"How am I supposed to feel?" he said in a weary sort of voice. "You saw what condition she was like when she first arrived here." Quatre swallowed as he remembered carrying her into the house, the blanket soaked in blood; her blood. It made him feel sick with anger, even now. 

"I saw," Wufei fell silent for a moment. "And I was appalled. No woman should go through that. No one should go through that. I almost joined Maxwell." 

"Why didn't you?" 

"There were more urgent things here." Wufei simply said as he started to put away the items. "Why do you deny it?" 

"Deny what?" Quatre said, gripping the counter hard, his knuckles turning white. "That he almost killed her? That her raped her? Repeatedly? That he made her. . ." he trailed off, head bent. 

"Quatre?" Wufei placed the jar in his hand down and looked at his friend. 

"That I wasn't there like I said I would be." he said softly. "I wasn't there, Wufei." 

"You couldn't help that." 

Quatre didn't say anything before moving suddenly, hurling the jar against the wall. He leaned against the counter heavily as he stared at the liquid running down the wall, the pickles lying in a puddle of brine and glass. 

"I hate him for what he did to her. I hate him for what he did to us. I hate him for what he did to me. I hate every single miserable skewed bone in his body. I hate him like I have never hated anything in my life. I hate him." he said in a tight voice. 

"Nice to see you join the rest of us." Wufei held up a hand as Quatre looked at him and opened his mouth. "I've noticed something about you. You never talk about the truly horrible. You keep it inside and don't wish to acknowledge it. You must accept it in order to better understand yourself and why you have been feeling this way." 

"This is what I didn't want to have happen." he gestured to the mess slowly before he let his hand drop. "I know you guys see me as the one who always has a calm head, as the one who. . .does. . ." 

"The right thing?" Wufei finished for him. "Yes, we do see you as that." he started as Quatre nodded his head. "But we also see you as one who bleeds for others and not himself so much; very odd." 

"I don't know what I am supposed to do now." he whispered looking at the puddle once more, as if it had the answer. "I don't know." 

"No one ever knows." Wufei added before he headed out of the kitchen. 

"Wufei?" Quatre called after him suddenly as he looked up. 

"Yes?" 

"Treize. . .do you. . .know?" he asked softly; Treize had been one of the few MIA. 

"I don't know where he is." Wufei said quietly. "But I know he's out there." 

"How do you deal with it?" 

Wufei remained silent for a few minutes before he looked at him. "As best you can." 

Quatre remained there as Wufei walked away before he leaned off the counter and walked down the hallway. Opening the door to Jess' room, he peered in. She was fast asleep, her face tear streaked, her eyes red and swollen. He pulled up the chair and sat there for a few minutes and watched her face. 

He reached out hesitantly, half expecting her to draw away from him. He fingered a lock of her hair gently before he let it fall back against her cheek. He let his finger gently trace out the pathway of a tear, all the way down to her chin. His finger rested there for a moment before he blinked suddenly. When he finally leaned back in the seat and rubbed his face, he found that his hands came back wet. He touched his face gently to find fresh tears spilling down his cheeks. 

Letting his hands fall back, he simply remained in the seat, and watching Jess breathe; she looked so fragile lying there asleep, the bandages only accenting that fact. He made himself more a bit more comfortable, watching her, tears streaking his face. His heart felt so tender; it scared him sometimes how much he loved her and what he would do for her. 

~*~

Quatre sighed as he turned the page in the book. The past three weeks had been far from easy. He had to practically force Jess to eat something, for her sake and the child's. Add that in with her constant state of depression and rather violent moods, he was truly starting to wonder. He stared at the page before him with an absent expression his mind going blank for a bit. There was a slight thumping noise that made him look up startled. He placed the book down, walking down the hallway slowly. _'Odd. . .Jess is taking a bath. What could have made that noise?'_ He paused by her bedroom door, opening it to peer in. The room was silent, the bedcovers turned back and rumpled, the crutches gone from their customary place beside the bed. 

Frowning, he closed the door and looked over the other rooms; there was absolutely nothing wrong with them. When he finally came to the bathroom door, he knocked gently, not wanting to disturb her. After a few minutes, he didn't even receive a testy reply to leave her alone. 

"Jess?" he called out quietly. "Are you still in there? Are you all right?" his brow furrowed when he received a somewhat slurred and faint response. "I'm coming in." 

He opened the door and walked in, half staring at the floor. It looked as if something had been spilled there, something barely pinkish. Puzzled, he looked up at the bathtub ledge to see a razor sitting on the edge, the keen edge lined with bright red blood. His heart suddenly found itself in his throat as he looked at the water. It had a slightly darker pink tone, rivulets of crimson curling their way lethargically through the water from her wrists that were just beneath the surface. And lying there listlessly was Jess, her eyes closed, her chest barely moving. 

Quatre didn't think he could ever move so fast. Before he knew it, he had her out of the water and back in her room in a bathrobe, the first aid kit by his side somehow as he rummaged around quickly for the gauze. He glanced over every few seconds to see the blood running freely from her slashed wrists, and his throat went dry. When he found the gauze, he pressed it against the wounds before he took out the tape and bound it securely. 

"Allah..." he breathed as he sank against the headboard. "Jessica..." he sighed in a weary voice. 

"Why didn't you?" she breathed as she stared off blankly. 

"Why didn't I what?" he asked, looking over at her as he rubbed his eyes. 

"Let me die." she finished as she started to tug at the tape. "It's better than having to live with this on my head." she started tugging at the tape more frantically. "I just want it all to be over with for good." 

Quatre looked at her before he bent his head. "I can't take much more of this Jess. I am human too you know. This did affect me as well too." he watched as she struggled with the tape. "I don't think I can do any more. I could stop you from taking that tape off. But you'll probably just try again when I'm asleep." 

She didn't reply as she continued to work on the tape. 

"Do you want me to leave Jessica? I'm not trying to pull a guilt trip here, but if you would feel more comfortable with me gone, I'll leave." 

"Leave? Why?" her soft tremulous query was interspersed by the sound of the tape tearing in small parts. 

"This. I can't stand to see you going through this anymore. It's killing me. It's as bad as not knowing if you were alive or dead." Quatre paused. "Jessica, why are you doing this?" 

"You don't know." she said in a somewhat broken voice as her fingers slowed down. "You don't know..." 

"I know I don't. But I know that I stayed up for almost a week straight with little sleep just to make sure you would live. I know I was the one that helped Sally fix your broken bones. I wept when I saw your legs and wished for once in my life that something bad would happen to someone else." 

Jess stopped as she looked at him, her fingers trailing off of the sticky tape. 

"I would do anything for you Jess. But I can't take much more of this. I can only have the door slammed in my face so many times before I give up. I can't reach you anymore. I know you're hurting. I know you didn't want this child, for any of this to happen. But shutting me out won't help. I'm hurting too." 

"How?" her voice sounded anguished. "It's not the same. It's not on the same level." 

"I know it's not. But I know what he can do. He's the one who did this to my face." his fingers trailed across his scars gently. "I would have taken more if it meant you didn't have to go through this." 

"You didn't deserve that all." she whispered. "Perhaps..." she shook her head quickly as she turned away from him. 

"Jessica, please," Quatre moved a bit closer to her. "Don't slam the door again. I don't think I can take it. I just want to be here with you. I know you don't want to be alone now. I don't want to either." 

"You can spend time with Wufei." she said as she remained still. 

"That's Wufei, not you." he said, holding back the sudden chuckle. 

She didn't respond for a few minutes. "Maybe this is fate telling me I'm not gonna have a great life." her shoulders hunched forward. "That maybe I should just save myself the trouble and end it now." 

"Don't." he crawled across the bed and sat beside her. "There's something out there for you. I know it." 

"Becoming a statistic?" she asked in a somewhat bitter voice. 

"That again?" he shook his head. "I was thinking historian. Or something with computers, you're always messing around with some. You could build one from scratch now." 

Quatre watched as Jess didn't say anything, her eyes glinting with violet-indigo in the sunlight from the window as they gazed at him intently. They flashed with so many things, and so rapidly, that he wasn't able to get a clear impression on any of them. After what seemed like forever, she took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "Ai shiteru Q-kun." 

"Hrm?" he looked at her. "That one, I don't know." 

She gave a faint smile, faint but genuine. "I love you Quatre." 

"I love you too." he said clasping her hand in his. "Takes you awhile to snap out of things, huh?" he gave her a grin. 

"I tend to wallow. Have you noticed that?" she looked down at her hand and the tape. "I missed this. I missed us." 

"So did I. Want me to fix that?" 

"Uh...it should hold." she said with a shrug. "Quatre...I'm scared for this baby." 

"Why?" he looked at her. "You should be fine." 

"I can't raise this child. I'm not ready to be a parent." she looked at her stomach. "I can't love it properly. Not after..." 

He nodded. "So, you're going to give it up for adoption?" 

Jess nodded. "Someone should be able to give the child a good home. Give it the things that I can't." 

"You're still in the first trimester. Are you sure about this?" 

"Yes." she said as she nodded her head. "I only hope that it's not like him in any way." 

"It'll be fine." he said kissing her hand lightly; the slight imperceptible stiffening wasn't lost on him. "Here, I'll retape it. You did a good job of picking at it." 

"Fine, if you insist." she said, letting him take her hand. 

Quatre fell silent as he took out the tape again and rebound the gauze. "Jess?" 

"Yes?" 

"Are you going back home afterwards? What are you going to tell your parents?" 

"I don't think that I can honestly live in a house and follow someone else rules. I'll probably move out and find a place of my own. I made enough investments during the war to live comfortably for the rest of my life." 

"Investments?" 

"You'd be surprised how a couple hundred spread out can grow exponentially on a couple of good GICs and stocks." she said. "I know it's basically profit from war, but I needed something to fall back on so I could be totally independent. At least I won't have to worry about post-secondary tuition. Why do you ask?" 

Quatre didn't say anything for a few seconds, making sure the tape was tight. "Remember a while ago? When you were with him? Before you were taken to Treize?" he took a breath as she nodded her head. "My father told me something." 

"What happened to your father? I meant to ask, but then you know...Oz...White Fang...and the damn craziness." 

"He lived." 

"What did he tell you Quatre?" 

"If I walked out the door, I shouldn't think of coming back." Quatre looked up as Jess who had a rather shocked expression. "Jess?" 

"He disinherited you because you came after me?" 

"That's it." Quatre said as he packed the tape away once more. 

"How could he do that to you?" Jess looked appalled. "You're his son!" 

"Either way, I was bound to cross him sometime." Quatre said. "I never did what he wanted and that caused a lot of friction between us." 

"Do you need a place to stay?" Jess asked. "You could stay with me if you want." 

Quatre shook his head before he smiled again. "You weren't the only person with a backup plan, you know." 


	9. Nine

A/N: Part of my inspiration for this chapter came to me when I was listening to "Mermaid" by GLAY. It's something of a sad, sweet piece that reminds me of oceans and something that was lost and should be found again. Hm, I think I listen to far too much JRock; especially GLAY. ^^;; 

Anyways, it's that time again! Replies to reviews!!! ^^ 

_**somebody**_: Oh, so that's what you meant. Wow...that many? Please, forgive my messed up mind. And I understand that lazy factor...I can be the laziest person on the face of the Earth some days. I'm writing this chapter in my pajamas at 6:30 a.m. ^_^   
_**Kitty_Kat_3214**_: I'm glad you like this fic and the pairing. I just had to ask myself the question: "What happens to them now?" after Torment of Paradise *shrugs* This is the result. 

_When All Is Lost…_

Chapter Nine

A steady thunking sound came from down the hallway as Jess made her way to the kitchen. She felt tired and exhausted with aches all over even though she had been asleep for most of the night. Simply changing this morning had been a monumental task in itself; the only easy part had been putting on her shoes. She paused as she reached the kitchen table, taking a momentary breather before she went to the counter and took out the things for hot chocolate. She went through the motions almost zombie-like until she had the steaming cup on the counter…with no way to get it to the table. 

"I don't believe this." she muttered as she hung her head. 

"Need some help?" 

She looked up, surprised to see Wufei standing in the doorway. "I guess." 

Her eyes widened slightly as he came over and took the mug to the table for her. Obviously Wufei must have been sick or sleepwalking; where was the snarky comment or acerbic words that usually riled her. Jess walked to the table and sat down, leaning her crutches against the table while looking at Wufei all the while. 

"What do you want now?" he asked, irritated. 

"You…the…are you feeling all right?" 

"Perfectly fine." he snorted. 

A somewhat uncomfortable silence descended around the table as Jess picked up her mug and took a sip. She glanced at the clock on the microwave, seeing the bright neon green glowing 6:45. She blinked before she took another sip. No wonder she was so out of it; up at 6:45. 

"What are you doing up at this hour?" she asked before taking a sip of the hot liquid. 

"Watching the news." Wufei fixed himself a cup of tea. 

"Ah. Anything interesting?" 

"Disarming in the Sanq Kingdom." He replied as he sat down. "In a socio-political context." 

"That must have been interesting…since disarming in a pacifist kingdom is something of an oxymoron." 

Wufei gave a grunt of agreement. "But Wallace did raise some good points." 

"Undoubtedly; but do you mean to tell me that you agree with that pompous windbag of a columnist? You, me, the six of us know what it will really cost to disarm a country, much less the entire world like Relena wants." she regarded him for a moment. "We were the cost." 

"And you think what he's saying isn't true? That we can't achieve peace by this means? 

Jess remained silent. "Ever heard of 'pax romana'? That's what we have here." 

"That I won't dispute," Wufei said, with a candid look. "But it is what the people wished for, desired." 

"Then that's like saying they desired war. And when they tired of it, they wanted peace." Jess looked down into her mug for a moment, contemplating what they said. "War and peace are an endless waltz, because humans are fickle creatures. When we have had our fill of one, we want the other thereby perpetuating the cycle." 

"But it is the people who must fight for what they believe in." Wufei looked at her unflinchingly. "Oz came to the power it had because people were afraid to stand up to them in the beginning and oppose them. Such ease to power can only lead to corruptibility." 

"It does make people arrogant and forgetful of what they had to do. But so many died to achieve the peace we have now. But how long until it ends, Wufei? How long before they need more soldiers like us; young, with burning desires to fight and end it? How many with a desire to do something noble for the greater good? How many needless soldiers like us are needed? How many soldier's lives are needed?" 

"Soldiers are not needless. They are the ones who are willing to do something to fix the evils of injustice and see their actions through." Wufei paused for a moment. "Soldiers are the ones who decide a battle and its outcome. Battles are won from their determination and belief that they can succeed." 

"By how much of themselves they put into it?" Jess shifted slightly. "How much of yourself did you put into avenging your wife's death?" she held up her hand, seeing him start. "How much did Heero put into becoming the perfect soldier? Did Duo do so much to leave L2 become the God of Death? Was Trowa's mercenary past part of his own voluntary doing? That Quatre was born a Winner, the only heir, who disobeyed his father to join the cause?" 

"And did you put in all you could to escape him? There is only so much the individual can do before the strength of many is needed." 

"But if the individual knows what they are doing, then they may not need the strength that numbers can offer them." 

"Si jeunesse savait, si veuilesse pouvait [1]." Wufei fired back. "That is what it boils down to. Youth is inexperienced and never listens to the elder voice of reason. That is why we suffer so and go through this." 

Jess paused, hearing the faint reminiscent tone in his voice. "Je ne sais pas que tu parles français [2]." 

Wufei looked at her, surprised. "Not many do." he took a sip of his tea. "Since when could you?" 

Jess paused, hearing the faint tone of respect in his voice. "I lived in Canada for a bit. You had to take French; it's the country's second language. That was before I had some mission in the United States." 

"¿Hablas español [3]?" He asked suddenly. 

"Sí, hablo." She looked at him, a wide smile spreading across her face suddenly. "¿Porque tu querrías saber [4]?" 

Wufei looked at her, a hesitant smile spreading across his face as well. A few moments later, they were grinning at each other like fools, not saying anything. When a slight shuffling sound reached their ears, they looked back to see Quatre standing there with a look of wary surprise on his face. Jess looked back at her mug as she bit her lip, trying to not laugh. 

Quatre walked into the kitchen slowly, watching Jess and Wufei sit quietly at the table, sipping their tea and hot chocolate. He walked over to the stove watching them from the corner of his eye. Jess and Wufei glanced at once another but didn't say anything, focusing their attention on their cups. 

"OK," Quatre said as he turned to look at them. "What happened?" 

"What makes you think anything happened, Q-kun?" Jess asked in an innocent voice. 

"You two aren't arguing or at one another throats. Glad as I am, something must have happened to cause this." 

Wufei shrugged. "We're simply sitting here drinking. You missed the exchanged words." 

"Yup." Jess said before she promptly took another sip. 

Quatre looked between the two of them before he walked over to the fridge, taking out the things for breakfast. After a few minutes, he started cooking, but he'd glance back at them every so often, as if he expected them to start bickering once again. When Quatre finished cooking and set the three plates on the table and sat down, he still glanced at them from time to time. 

"I thought it would be great if you two stopped your feud," he began as he contemplated his plate. "But now, it's just too weird." 

Jess snickered before she giggled. After a few moments, she was laughing with tears pooling in her eyes. Quatre and Wufei glanced at one another, completely puzzled. Jess shook her head, making waving motions with her hand that did nothing to clear any of their confusion up. 

"Are you all right?" Quatre asked after a few minutes. 

Jess took a sharp gasp of air. "I'll be fine. Man, I needed the laugh." She wheezed for a bit, wiping the tears from her eyes before she looked down at her plate. "Oh." 

"Is something wrong with your breakfast?" Quatre asked. 

"Hm? No, nothing's wrong with it…it's just not what I want to eat." She pushed the plate away slightly. 

"Ah. What do you want to eat then?" he asked, half rising from his seat. 

"Erm…" Jess stared down into her mug as she mumbled rapidly, "A-big-bowl-of-ice-cream-with-cheesies-celery-and-maybe-some-sprinkles-and-pepper." 

Quatre stared at her for a moment. "Could you say that again without the mumbling?" 

"A big bowl of ice cream with cheesies, celery and maybe some sprinkles and pepper." Jess repeated slowly; she was acutely aware of Wufei's stare now too. "Would you just humour the pregnant girl?" 

"OK," Quatre said in a slow voice as he opened the freezer and pulled out the ice cream. "Are you sure you want that stuff on top?" 

"Yes." 

"All right." 

Jess glanced over at Wufei. "Do you have anything to say about that?" 

Wufei shook his head curtly before he started to inspect his mug. Jess smiled slightly, watching as Quatre made her the bowl of ice cream, a strange expression on his face as he put the stuff on top. He placed the bowl in front of her with a slight flourish and a smile before he sat back down in front of his own breakfast. The ice cream was vanilla, now flecked with small bits of rigid green celery, bright orange curls of cheesies and multicoloured sprinkles and black spots of pepper. 

"Mmmm, this looks good." She murmured to herself as she picked up the spoon and started eating. 

"How can you eat that?" Wufei asked in a slightly horrified voice. 

"Easily; see the spoon? You scoop up the contents of the bowl and insert them into the large hole in your head called a mouth." Jess went through the motions, and ended up with a big spoonful in her mouth. "See, easy enough." She said once she swallowed. 

Wufei shuddered as he rose from his seat. "This is far too weird for me in the morning. I'll be in the back if you need me." 

Jess watched as he deftly placed his mug on the plate and quickly fled from the kitchen. She looked over at Quatre, whose own plate was barely touched. "Something wrong?" 

"I just can't figure out how you can eat that." He said, shaking his head as he looked at her. 

"Neither do I, but it tastes pretty good." She shovelled in another spoonful. "Yummy." 

She continued eating, enjoying all the tastes as they burst in her mouth. When she finally scraped the bottom of the bowl, she let the spoon rest with a content sigh. Then she pulled her plate back towards her and finished it off as well. She placed the fork down after a few minutes and looked up to see Quatre still looking at her, his own plate untouched. 

"Um, aren't you going to eat?" she asked. 

"I'm not that hungry anymore," He replied. "I think you ate enough, even for me." 

Jess chuckled. "It was somewhat strange, huh?" 

"Somewhat." Quatre rose, putting her plates in the sink and his in the fridge. "Do you feel up for a walk today?" 

"I suppose so. I should exercise my legs more than simply walking around the house." Jess said as she grasped her crutches. "Where would we be walking to?" 

"There a river not too far from here. We can walk down the road to it." 

"That sounds nice." She braced herself against one of the crutches and pulled herself up. "Did Sally say when she was going to come back to give me a check up?" 

"She should be back soon." Quatre said as he started for the front door. "Maybe in the next month or so." 

Jess nodded as she went after him, smiling as he held the door open for her. The bright sunlight glittered down, making her blink owlishly. It seemed a lot brighter than she remembered but she had spent almost three months in a house without ever going outside. 

"Wait a moment, I have just the thing." 

Jess glanced over to see Quatre pull a pair of sunglasses from his pocket before he slid them onto her face. "Do you think of everything?" she asked with a chuckle. 

Quatre shrugged. "I guess so. But I do want you to keep your eyesight." 

Jess didn't say anything as she carefully made her way down the short flight of steps and onto the gravel road that twisted down the hill; she never even realized that the house was built on the top of a hill. Quatre fell in step beside her and they walked away from the house, the sound of gravel crunching beneath their feet. Jess took her time walking, glad to feel the wind on her skin once more. She gave a murmur of content as she took in the scenery. The mountains weren't that far off, but were still cloaked in wisps of cloud. It gave them something of a mystical feel, the tree covered slopes wreathed in a halo of faint white. The clouds lessened as she looked down the mountains, seeing the gentle rolling of hills and valleys, some sectioned off into terraces for planting rice. Even from this distance, she could see the still water, housing the young rice plants. 

"Jess, this way." 

She broke from her reverie to see Quatre standing on a small path, just off the side of the main road. She walked over, noticing the wild plants and shrubs that pressed in closely around the path. "Not many people come this way, huh?" 

"Not many. It's not too far now." Quatre said as he started walking ahead of her. 

Jess kept her eyes glued to the path, not wanting to trip over anything. It wasn't long before she could hear the sound of running water. She sniffed, the delicate fresh scent of the water wafting around. When she finally stepped out from the thickening brush, she found herself in a clearing, Quatre by the edge. There was a sharp incline a few feet away and down at the bottom ran a river. She walked over to Quatre's side, looking down at the rushing yellowish water. All around the fringes of the brush, the wildflowers grew thick and colourful, the yellows, whites, oranges and reds bright against the emerald green of leaves. 

"It's beautiful here." She whispered, not daring to raise her voice any higher. 

Quatre nodded. "I came here a lot during the first month here. Sally wasn't sure if you would make it. I'd come here and just hope…pray that you would get better." 

"It worked." Jess said as she shifted on her crutches, trying to get more comfortable. "It must have been pretty hard on you." 

"Harder on you." He murmured. "Everybody just wanted you to get better." 

Jess nodded as she shifted. "Can we sit?" 

"Sure." Quatre said. "Here, let me help." 

Jess let him take a crutch and help ease her down onto the ground. She didn't say for a moment when Quatre sat down beside her, looking at the river and the land beyond. Picking at the grass around her, Jess found a fat blade and plucked it, placing it between her thumbs, pressing the fingers to her lips and blowing. Sure enough a piercing squeak echoed out. She caught Quatre's glance and smiled slightly. 

"I used to do that when I was a child, especially in the city." She paused and looked at the blade in her palm now. "I always thought that somehow if I blew hard enough, I'd vanish away from that life and have a new one, with parents and all that stuff you dream about having as a child." She blew on the blade again. "Now, I just wish that I could change things, stop things from happening." 

Her fingers curled into a loose fist as she felt her hand start to shake slightly, the blade of grass still in her hand. Quatre placed his hand over hers, curling his fingers so his grip was firm but gentle. Jess didn't say anything as she looked out over the landscape, but she held onto Quatre's hand. 

"There're times I wish the same thing." Quatre murmured softly. "Then there're the times when I wonder of that just asking too much." 

"No, it's not asking too much." Jess moved in closer until she closed the small gap between them. "We gave so much to simply enjoy a moment like this. So enjoy it." 

Quatre tilted his head, looking at her for a moment. His expression was thoughtful before he slowly wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in closer. Jess gave a small squeak of surprise, her heart stopping for a moment with fear before she took a deep breath. This was going to be a lot harder than she had originally thought it would be. 

She could feel Quatre's arm start to draw back, but she stopped him. She brought her head down to rest on his shoulder softly, closing her eyes as she did. Quatre didn't move for a few seconds before he tightened his arm imperceptibly. Jess snuggled in a bit closer, glad to feel the warmth of his body. A small breeze started up, whispering through the grasses surrounding them. 

Holding out her hand, Jess unfurled her fingers and allowed the wind to take hold of the small blade of grass. It jumped for a second before it left her hand, carried off by the brisk wind picking up. Jess shivered slightly, moving in closer to Quatre. 

"Hm, you're always warm." He murmured quietly, burying his nose in her hair. "And your hair smells good, like peaches." 

Jess gave a soft giggle. "My hair smells like peaches? Well, there's a new one for me." 

"It smells like peaches, sunshine and summer," he said with a smile as he wrapped his other arm around her. "All the good things." 

"Hm," she sighed happily, taking a deep breath. "You just smell good." 

"That's it? I just smell good? At least I don't smell bad." 

Jess smiled; Quatre smelled like cinnamon buns and that maleness. But it wasn't some overpowering musk, but it wasn't weak either. It was just right and she felt as if she would never get tired of it at all. She raised her head slightly to meet Quatre's eyes. She moved up, planting the faintest of kisses on his cheek before she rested her head on his shoulder once more. He didn't move for a moment, but when he did, she could feel him kissing the top of her head. 

She closed her eyes in content, not wanting to move from this spot at all. It was healing just to be out in nature again once more. It made her feel grateful that she was alive to be here. That she had two legs to walk with under her own power. She was grateful to even just be walking; she knew by all rights she could have lost her legs. 

She couldn't even remember how long she sat like that, mind drifting off, but it took a while for her mind to register that Quatre was shaking her gently. She managed to force her eyes open to find him looking at her, with a dark grey, and rumbling, sky surrounding them. 

"Yes?" 

"You slept all morning and afternoon. I didn't want to wake you, but we should get going to the house. It's evening and it looks like a storm is about to hit." 

Jess nodded as she leaned off of him and rubbed her eyes. "I feel asleep? Didn't seem like it. I was just thinking and just let my mind go." 

"You were out like a light." Quatre said as he rose and offered his hand. "No nightmares either." 

Jess took his hand and pulled herself up awkwardly, crutches on the ground still while she stood by herself. "And I can stand with the crutches!" 

Quatre grinned as he picked them up. "Do you still want them?" 

Jess paused, chewing her lip before she took a hesitant step forward. Slight pain shot up her leg, making her nod her head rapidly. "Yeah. I can stand, but not quite walk yet. I need their support still." 

"That's all right." Quatre said as he handed them to her. "When you want to give walking a try, just let me know." 

Jess nodded as they started down the path again. "It looks like it's going to rain pretty hard." 

"And it looks like it's coming up fast." Quatre squinted as he glanced at the sky. "I think we can make it." 

"I don't think so." Jess said. "I just felt a drop." 

"So did I." Quatre stopped walking. "Jess, hold onto your crutches." 

"What? What for!" she squealed in surprise as Quatre scooped her up in his arms and started walking quickly. 

She struggled with the crutches before she gave up, glaring at Quatre as he simply smirked at her. The rain started in a gentle drizzle but morphed into a downpour that soaked them completely in the six minutes it took to hurry back to the house. Once they were inside, he flicked on the light and set her down in the main hallway by the small table, making sure she was steady on her feet. 

"You know, you could give a person a bit more warning than that!" she bristled as she wiped away some of the water that ran into her eye. 

"That road gets pretty muddy when it starts to rain," Quatre said. "You would have been hard pressed with your crutches." 

"I suppose, but give more warning than 'hold onto you crutches'." She said as she started down the hallway, "God that sounded like some bad movie line." 

Quatre chuckled but it died down as he noticed a piece of paper on the tabletop and read it. "Hm…" 

"Something wrong?" Jess asked as she glanced back at him 

"Wufei's gone to the border to meet Duo." He said as he double checked on the paper. "He'll be back two days from now." 

"Took the baka long enough to get back!" Jess exclaimed. 

As if in agreement, a loud crack of lightning came from outside, followed by the light in the hallway flickering erratically. Quatre and Jess both looked at it apprehensively before another crack of lightning came and the light died. Pitch blackness filled the hallway, the sound of pounding rain and thunder coming from outside. 

"Jess? Where are you?" Quatre's voice was mingled with the sound of his shuffling feet. "Where are you in here?" 

"I'm right here." She said. "Careful, don't walk into me." 

"Okay, I'll put my hand out." Quatre's feet came closer. 

Jess stayed where she was. "Is there a torchlight or some candle anywhere?" 

"They're in the kitchen. I'll get them, don't worry." 

Jess breathed a sigh of relief and closed her eyes. A few seconds later, they snapped open as she felt something touch her on the breast. Immediately, her hand flew out connecting with something with a resounding smack. She groaned, recognizing the sound of flesh being smacked. 

"Quatre?" 

"What did I touch?" he was rubbing his cheek; she could hear it, even if she couldn't see it. 

"My breast." 

"Oh." There came a pause. "I'll go get the torchlight." 

She didn't say anything as she heard Quatre moving past her carefully. Then she heard the sound of his shoes squelching against the linoleum of the kitchen. A few noises came as he looked through drawers but after a few minutes, a beam of light shot out from the kitchen, illuminating the hallway. She started towards it, seeing Quatre using it to light a candle in a holder on the kitchen table when she came in view. 

"I guess the heat will be out too." Quatre said as he shook out the match and held up the candle. "It'll be a chilly night." 

"I'm sure there's extra blankets and stuff." Jess said as she yawned and headed for the living room. "Besides, even if we steal some blankets from Wufei's bed, he's not here to complain." 

Quatre chuckled at that. "Touché. Are you still tired?" 

"A bit." She admitted. "I haven't slept that well in ages. I think I should just go to sleep now." 

He nodded and started towards the bedrooms, the candle flickering as he went. Jess followed after him, eyes darting around. She had a bad feeling about this for some reason, and he didn't know why. Quatre glanced at her once but didn't say anything as he opened the door to her room and walked in, placing the candle by the bedside. 

"I'll see about those extra blankets. I'll leave the candle here for you." 

"Thanks." She said as she walked over to the bed. "Quatre, I'm sorry that I slapped you." 

"It's all right." He said as he turned on the torchlight. "I couldn't see and you did it as an instinctual reaction. I'll see about those blankets." 

Jess nodded as he walked out, and disappeared down the hallway. She looked at her wet clothes in distaste before she grabbed her pyjamas and headed to the bathroom to change. Her wet clothes made a slight smack sound as they landed on the floor as she managed to strip quickly, dry off and change into the dry clothing. The flannel pants were warm and the top was obviously an old one of Wufei's but it fit her fine. She made her way back into the bedroom to find Quatre spreading out two extra blankets on the bed. 

"That should keep you warm enough." He said as he smoothed the last one out. "Are you fine now?" 

"Yes. No." she bit her lip, as she felt her face flush. "It's just that…" she trailed off lamely as she felt her voice dry up. 

Quatre looked at her for a brief second before he nodded his head and left the room. Jess made her way over to the bed and sat down on it, leaning her crutches against the wall. She slid under the covers, a shiver passing through her as her skin came in contact with the cold bed sheets. When Quatre came back, he had changed into his own pyjamas. He came and sat on the bed, regarding her. 

"Are you sure?" 

A loud rumble of thunder came from outside and she shivered as the feeling inside sharpened. She nodded her head as she lay down, resting her head on the pillow and pulling the blankets up close to her head. She swallowed hard as she felt Quatre slid underneath the sheets as well. She jumped slightly as Quatre's foot brushed against hers before she pulled the blankets up even closer. 

"Jess?" 

She could barely see Quatre's worried expression; but she could definitely feel it. "Yes?" 

"What's wrong?" 

"I don't know." She replied in a small voice. "I don't know what's wrong, but I'm worried." 

"It's OK," he said as he moved in a bit closer. "I'm here now." 

Jess didn't move for a moment before she scooted in closer to him, trying to quell the worry inside. He would just pick up on it and it would worry him in turn. He had already worried about her so much, she didn't want to cause any more for him. She took a deep breath, making herself look at the whole situation. It was probably just the storm that had her worried. 

"Q-kun?" 

"Yes?" 

"I love you." She whispered as she snuggled in, closing her eyes. 

"I love you too." He replied in a soft voice as he wrapped an arm around her waist. "Go to sleep." 

Jess gave a murmur that was lost as she started to drift off once more, with nothing plaguing her this time. 

~*~

_**Notes**_   
[1] Si jeunesse savait, si veuilesse pouvait. - If youth knew, if age could.   
[2] Je ne sais pas que tu parles français. - I didn't know you could speak French.   
[3] ¿Hablas español? - You speak Spanish?   
[4] Sí, hablo. ¿Porque tu querrías saber? - Yes, I speak (Spanish). Why would you want to know? 


	10. Ten

_Replies to Reviews!!_

_**TuttiFruttiJudi**_ - Yup, another chapter! ^^ Well, only some women eat weird things when they're pregnant. My mother ate normal foods when she was pregnant with my little sister, but my aunt…that was some weird things she was eating. Trust me, you don't want to know. Anyways, I'm writing as fast as I can - in between my other projects and taking care of my university fees - and typing as much as I can as well. You think this is the best? *blushes* Thanks! 

_When All Is Lost…_

Chapter Ten

Sunlight streamed in through the Venetian blinds, the roll of thunder off in the distance. The faint twitter of a bird made Quatre stir. He burrowed in deeper beneath the blankets and closer to Jess. A few moments later, he opened his eyes and blinked owlishly. He didn't even bother to look at the clock; he always seemed to wake up around seven in the morning, give or take a couple of minutes. 

When a gentle snore came from beside him, he looked over to see Jess still sleeping, her hair spilling over her face in whorls. Slowly, he moved it aside, tucking it behind her neck. Jess' mouth was wide open as she snored, a bit of drool coming from the side of her mouth. 

Propping himself up on his elbow, he looked at her sleeping face. Her lashes seemed darker in the shade, almost sooty, while her skin seemed to glow. He didn't move as she shifted suddenly, mumbling about something while an arm draped itself across her face and the other one went over her stomach. The gentle nasal snore continued on again. 

He couldn't stop the smile from coming to his face. Jess was far too stubborn, to the point of pigheadedness; she could be extremely outspoken and a quiet intellectual; she could cut loose and make him relax; and she snored and drooled in undisturbed sleep. There was no one else he would rather be with. 

A brief shudder ran through him as he briefly recalled Naomi Knight; that was a disaster the moment he stepped into the room. It did annoy him a bit that his father had even conceived such a match for him. There was little he would miss of the Winner name. His sisters would stay in touch with him and he had Jess. In a manner, his father had set him free with that ultimatum. 

A crack of lightning followed by another roll of thunder came from outside. He glanced at the window; he hadn't even noticed the sky had darkened again. When he felt Jess stir beside him, he looked back to find her gazing at him. 

"Morning," she smiled. "Was that thunder I heard?" 

"It was. It's probably just another storm heading through." 

"Mmmm, rainy day weather; perfect for staying in bed." 

"It is," he chuckled as he lay down. "In a nice warm bed." 

Jess chuckled as she moved in closer, cuddling with him. "I didn't wake you up in the middle of the night, did I?" 

"No," he slid an arm over her waist. "Why?" 

"I tend to be a tosser. And when I…'toss', limbs get thrown out." She chewed slightly on her lip. "I may have punched or kicked you." 

"You didn't but you snore." 

"I do not snore!" she spluttered. 

"And drool." An amused smile came to his face. 

Jess' face went red as she wiped the side of her mouth. "Well, that I do. But I don't snore!" 

"OK. But it was kind of cute, you just lying there," he mimicked the pose she had been in a few minutes earlier. 

"Great, that must have been attractive sight." She grumbled. 

"Oh it was. I was just thinking "Would she slap me if I kissed her?" right before you woke up." 

"Joker," Jess grinned as she poked him in the side. 

Quatre giggled and twisted away slightly. Jess stared at him for a moment before she looked at her finger, as if it were gold, and looked back at Quatre with a gleam in her eye. 

"Oh no you don't," he warned in a straight voice, as he tried to scoot away. 

"Oh really?" her hand darted in, reaping yet another giggle. 

"Don't do anything hasty," he said, with the remnants of the laugh in his voice. 

"Like this?" she said innocently as she poked his side once more. "And this? Or this?" 

Quatre squealed with laughter, squirming as Jess poked him just below the ribs. He convulsed and twisted, bunching up the blanket around their feet as he tried to escape her fingers. After a few moments, Jess stopped, allowing Quatre to catch his breath once more. 

"You look a bit winded there, Q-kun." A devilish smirk was plastered to her face. 

Quatre didn't say anything as he wrapped his arms around her and rolled onto his back, taking her with him. She gave a shriek of surprise and delight as she glared down at him with amusement. 

"Oh yes, very funny; you can let go of me now." She said in a tone that said the exact opposite. 

Quatre shook his head, not saying anything. Jess looked at him as the beginnings of another smile crept to his face. A few minutes later she chuckled as she rested her head on his shoulder, and started running her fingers through his hair. 

"All right then, truce." She murmured. 

"I agree; you might develop a habit of winning." He replied. 

Quatre chuckled as Jess gave a satisfied sounding noise. He relaxed his hold on her waist a bit, but still held on. A few minutes later, after another crack of lightning and rumble of thunder, Jess reached over and turned on the clock radio. The reception wasn't that good; the already garbled voice had to hear through the static. Quatre could see Jess' ears move up slightly as she strained to hear what was being said. A few moments later, she sighed and rested her head on his shoulder once more, running her fingers through his hair. Closing his eyes, Quatre took a deep breath; he had never thought it would feel so right to just hold someone in his arms. 

"Heavy rainfall has occurred in the north-" the radio signal came to life before it died again. But it flared up a few moments later. "-ities of Changchun, Shungliao, Shenyang-" the radio sputtered. "-sidents are advised to evacuate immediately-" it sputtered again. "-ue to regional flooding." The signal was lost once more. 

Quatre's brow furrowed as he frowned. That hadn't sounded too good. 

"Is something wrong? Are we in one of those cities?" Jess asked as she lifted her head slightly to look at him. 

"We're forty five minutes outside of Shungliao. And the river is about ten minutes from here." Quatre stared at the ceiling before he eased himself out from underneath Jess. 

"Just be careful out there, all right?" Jess said as she sat up in the bed. 

"I will be. We might be able to leave, if the rain hasn't been that bad. Wufei left the truck here." Quatre paused. "Wufei and Duo will probably be in Nenjiang if the flooding is really bad." He started for the front door. 

"Where were they coming from?" Jess asked as she grabbed her crutches and started after him. 

"Probably from Blagoveshchensk." Quatre said as he pulled on a pair of boots; judging from the size, these must have been Duo's. 

"Ah, Russian border city, right?" 

"Yes; the same one we passed through the first time," Quatre said as he shrugged on the coat; again Duo's but it fit him a bit better in the shoulders. He really had been growing. "I'll take the truck so I should be back in fifteen minutes." 

"OK," Jess paused for a moment. "I'm getting that bad feeling again. I'm giving you half an hour, all right?" 

"Half an hour. I'll be back as soon as I can." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and stepped out into the lashing rain. 

Quatre leaned forward as he hurried out to the garage and opened the door. He got into the truck and drove it out before he got to close the garage door. He turned on the heater as he drove down the road, trying to stop the chill from steeling in his bones. The windshield wipers were swishing across the glass; it did help somewhat to improve the visibility. He was amazed that the road was still holding together under these punishing conditions; it was just a dirt road with a bit of gravel spread overtop for traction. 

"So far, so good," He murmured. "Just hope the river didn't flood too much." 

So far, everything was going fine. It was only after twenty minutes of driving that he encountered the problem. He had just turned around the bend to go down the hill, with the tree branches dipping down with the force of the wind, when he slammed on the brakes hard, the front wheels just over the top of the hill. Just down below, the river ran over the road; the muddy rushing waters created a roar that cold be heard over the rain, wind and thunder. 

"I never did like this curve," he muttered, he watched the river. "And this is the only road to Shungliao." 

He rested his head against the steering wheel before he shifted the gears into reverse and tried to back up. After a few minutes he frowned, as the truck didn't move backwards. He gave the engine more gas and floored it, trying to get the truck to move. He stopped after a few moments to notice something; it seemed to be moving forward slightly. He groaned before he opened the door and got out. The truck was sliding forward slowly down towards the river. With muffled curse, he walked to the back to find the wheels sinking into the ground. 

Quickly, he made his way to the middle of the back, searching for the winch. The ground was becoming more slippery and muddy with each step. When he found it he grabbed the metal hook and ran to the tree, slipping down into mud puddles a few times. He wrapped the line around the tree, making the hook was attached securely to the line. A few more meeting with the puddles on his way back and he made it to the winch. He started it and watched as the truck stopped it slow descent and was pulled back up the hill. When the winch stopped and the truck was safely on the top of the hill, he wound up the extra line and got in the truck. 

When he managed to turn the truck around, the drive back was just as bad, if not worse. The road was completely soaked and had becoming like muddy mire. But when he finally made it back, and stepped outside to open the garage door, he looked at the truck. The side was spattered with mud and the burlap cover for the top was soaked through and he wouldn't be surprised if the engine would need a look over. Once he parked the truck in the garage and closed the door, he walked back to the house, pausing on the porch. Even he was covered with mud, almost from head to toe; though it was Duo's jacket and boots that took the brunt of the mess. He opened the door, glad to just be back. 

"Quatre?" 

He looked up to see Jess standing in entranceway to the living room, a questioning expression in her eyes. He nodded his head. "The river flooded onto the road. It's pretty bad out there." 

Jess' eyes travelled over him. "I drew you a hot bath." 

"You didn't have to," he murmured wearily as he took off the boots with a wet squelch. 

"I know. But I saw the rain get harder and I figured there would be mud." Jess arched an eyebrow. "Don't you want to scrub that all off?" 

"Hm, wonderful foresight you have there," he said. "Thank you." 

Jess waved her hand in dismissal. "I'll be in the living room reading if you need me." 

Quatre's feet made squishing sounds as he walked down the hallway to the bathroom. Once he opened the door, he stood there with a slightly amazed look on his face. The tiled bath was filled with hot water, gentle curls of steam rising from the surface. The delicate scent of lavender and ylang-ylang filled the room, while the candles added a soft glow in the dimmed room. 

He closed the door, before he stripped eagerly and got into the tub. The water was hot enough to cause tingles but not so hot as to be uncomfortable. He leaned back against the cool wall of the tub and closed his eyes as the tenseness dissipated from his shoulders. Perhaps being stuck here was good thing. Since Wufei left yesterday, this had been the first time in a very long while that he had been alone with Jess. And there probably wouldn't be another chance like this in a long while. He could do something special for just the two of them. Sliding down until his nose was at the water, he took a deep breath. He'd get around to it later on today…or tomorrow…or whenever; just so long as it was after this bath. 

~*~

Layers of strawberries, ice cream, sliced peaches with a topping of whipped cream sat in the short fluted glass. It was the perfect desert to accompany the meal. Quatre placed the two glasses in the freezer before he wiped the sticky remnants of the ice cream from his hands. So far, a week of constant rain and being stuck in the house had done very little to alleviate the tense air that had descended over the house. 

Day one hadn't been so bad, they played games; board games, cards games and made up a few of their own. 

Day two they had simply read. They had managed to read every single book in the house. 

Day three, Jess has decided to ditch the crutches and use a cane. He's watched as she walked all through the house, using the cane for her slightly weaker left side. That had been the best day so far. She'd looked so happy to finally be rid of those cumbersome crutches. 

Day four, they had found some lined paper and decided to write something. They'd written short stories, poems, anything they could crank out. And then they'd read each other's work. 

Day five had proved to be the worst. They had run out of ideas. And sitting in the living room, bored out of your mind, and trying to think of something when someone made a very annoying and distracting sound wasn't a very good combination. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_Quatre watched as Jess drummed her fingernails against the glass surface of the coffee table. She had been doing that for awhile now and it was extremely infuriating. He watched as her fingers rose, poised gracefully in the air before they came crashing down, in a sweeping "tic-tic-tic-tic-tic" sound. _

"For the love of Allah, would you please stop that!" he snapped as he shifted from his seat. "You've being doing it for the past forty-five minutes and it's driving me nuts! Not to mention it's distracting!" 

Jess glared at him. "Oh, I'm sorry. You sitting there, with your tongue sticking out of your mouth and moving around isn't exactly thought provoking. Well, for you at least." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded. 

"You tell me genius; it was your idea to think of something to do!" 

"Better than just sitting there and doing nothing!" 

"Which we're doing now; brilliant idea you had there!" 

"At least I tried. You were sitting here, staring off into space like your mind had gone vapid!" 

"My mind went vapid?!" Jess gave a brief laugh of disbelief. "And what am I supposed to think, watching you with your tongue doing things like this?" she stuck her tongue out ludicrously, waggling it around. 

"Very mature," he frowned, crossing his arms. 

"I'll be bloody well immature if I want to be!" Jess snapped. "I don't need this piss ass attitude from you!" she rose and stormed off. 

"Fine!" he yelled after her before he sunk down in the seat, brooding. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Quatre shook his head as he brushed away the recollections of yesterday. It all seemed so silly now in retrospect. Jess was being overly polite today and avoiding him. A nice dinner would help to clear the air and relieve some of the boredom of being stuck in this house for one more day. He looked over the set table one last time before he lit the candles and dimmed the lights. Then he fixed his slacks and white shirt before he started down the hallway; surely Wufei wouldn't mind that much if he borrowed some clothes and shoes. He walked down to Jess' door and knocked. 

"Jess? Are you in there?" 

"Yes," she replied. "One moment." 

Quatre rocked slightly on his heels, waiting for Jess to come to the door. When she opened it, he stopped rocking, staring at her. Jess' hair was arranged into a stylish bun, with loose strands framing her oval face. A bright red Chinese top stood out in the low light, the black embroidered flowers stark and intricate. She had on a pair of black pants that hugged her hips slightly, and soft kid slippers on her feet. 

"You…" he stopped for a moment, still looking at her. "You look..." 

A slight flush spread across her cheeks. "Were you going to ask me if I wanted dinner?" 

"Yeah," he replied, still looking at her. 

Jess giggled as she swung her cane. "Then let's go." 

Quatre turned, offering her his arm. She took it and they started down the hallway together. Quatre glanced down at her legs; her walk was more fluid now and eased. Not as jerky and awkward as it had been when she first started using the crutch. A week of moving around the house had done wonders. 

"Oh my," Jess'' words were a breath as they walked into the kitchen. 

A surge of pleasure and pride ran through Quatre; he'd taken great pains with setting up this table. From the candles to the folded napkins, silverware - that Wufei had buried away somewhere in the basement, in desperate need of polishing - the bottle of wine - that he found while looking for the silverware - the handmade salad dressing and the fresh flowers. He had to sneak out during one of the brief periods when the rain stopped and pick them; he was amazed that some of the flowers had even managed to survive. And it all glowed slightly and looked wonderful in the candlelight. 

He smiled as he helped her into her seat. "Tonight's menu is a tossed green salad with berry vinaigrette. The main course is roast chicken breast on a bed of angel hair pasta with a creamy sauce. Dessert is a strawberry-peach parfait. Tonight's wine is a merlot from California." 

"It all sounds wonderful," she smiled as she looked around. "You did a lot of work." 

Quatre shrugged slightly as he placed the salad in front of her. "It was worth it." 

Jess' face flushed again. "And there's even croutons," She picked up the salad fork and promptly popped one in her mouth. "Mm, just a hint of garlic." 

"I'm glad you like it." Quatre said as he started on his own salad. 

For a few minutes, there was nothing but the quiet sounds of eating. Once they finished, Quatre cleared away the plates and brought over two covered plates. He removed the covers with a flourish. Jess' eyes widened slightly. 

"You made this?!" she asked in amazement. 

"From scratch," Quatre said as he uncorked the bottle and poured the wine into the glasses. "Everything was there." 

"Wow," she took a bite. "Oh my God, this is amazing; this is the best chicken I have ever eaten!" 

"Thanks," he said blushing slightly at her enthusiastic praise. "It wasn't that hard." He sat back down. 

"I have to get you to teach me how to cook," Jess murmured before she ate another bite. "Quatre, I didn't mean to snap at you yesterday. I…well, I was bored and kind of irritable from being stuck in the house for a week." 

"As was I; I'm used to always doing something or knowing I have something to do. I don't deal to well with boredom." 

"And when you know there isn't anything else you can do…" Jess shrugged. "At least we realized it. And this dinner does help." 

"I thought it would," Quatre took a sip of wine. 

"I still can't believe that you did all of this. It's so elaborate." 

"Well, I suppose I have boarding school to thank for that," Quatre mused. "We had to learn about all of this stuff and every Friday there was a formal dinner." 

Jess made a face. "That sounds incredibly dry." 

"It was…unless you enjoyed watched the politics of students trying to climb the social ladder. That definitely wasn't the place for me." 

"Me, I hated private school. I was there for a year before I went back to public school. Everything had a pretentious air to it, like they tried to hard to be genteel." 

"And it seemed somewhat fake. Especially when you had to work with people who thought they were better than you." 

"Phonies who hid behind it." 

"Etiquette as a shield," Quatre shook his head. "It was meant as a common courtesy, but human nature twisted it; especially teenagers. They use the courtesy to inflict hurt on others." 

"No one said high school was pretty. And people tend to hurt others from some of their own insecurities." Jess paused as she took a sip of wine. "But it does seem odd." 

"It does. They do stress individuality but everyone ends up in a group, part of the greater hierarchal system that divides and conquers." 

"That's why I'm glad I switched back to public school; it's not so bad there; less politics because many people didn't care about that stuff. I think that the whole private school thing was some what two-faced; they presented this cultured exterior that encouraged everyone to come. But when you got in there, it was just down right vicious." 

"Boarding school was somewhat two-faced, but it did have an excellent music program." 

"You know I haven't heard you play. It's the violin right?" 

Quatre nodded his head. "I can play for you sometime. We should play together sometime; you're very good on the piano." 

"Thanks. I started playing it when I was thirteen. It can be touch but I enjoy playing it." 

"It shows. You play with such ease." He glanced down to see her empty plate. "Done?" 

"Hm? Oh, yes," she watched as he cleared away their empty plates. "The first songs I learned to play were 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' and 'Chopsticks'." 

"Why did you start playing the piano?" Quatre asked from the fridge. 

Jess shrugged slightly. "By chance I suppose. Father told me not to touch the piano unless he was there. And he and Mother had gone out one day and I was bored. I figured there was no way he'd know if I had touched it at all. But I was having so much fun that I never realized they came back home and I was caught red handed." 

"That must have been a sight," Quatre laughed quietly as he came back with the parfaits. "You sitting there trying to look innocent," 

"Oh no, that trick wouldn't work this time. I looked guilty all right. I mean I was banging away on the keys when Father decided to say something." Jess laughed softly and shook her head. "There's nothing I could say but the truth unless I wanted to tell a rather bold faced lie." 

"I don't think Noel would have liked that very much." Quatre mused. "So he came in when you were banging away on the keys?" 

"Yeah; I remember sitting there thinking I was in for the punishment of a lifetime. But Mother simply went to the kitchen to start dinner and Father sat beside me and asked me to play some more. I was so relieved that I couldn't play." Jess' lips curved into a smile as she rubbed her finger against it, thinking. 

"He made you practice, didn't he?" Quatre asked suddenly; it seemed like something Noel would do. 

"Yup. Every day before I decided suffering a music teacher would be better; it was almost like musical boot camp for slacker musicians." 

"With Noel, I don't think I want to imagine that." Quatre watched as she finally took a bite of the parfait; even he wasn't sure how it had turned out. "How is it?" he asked, taking a bite of his own. 

"Mm! This is delicious!" she closed her eyes, savouring the flavours before she swallowed. "You have to teach me how to make things like this!" 

"That I can do…so long as it doesn't end up like the pancakes." He chuckled. 

Jess' face flushed. "Let's never speak of those poor lumpy pancakes again." 

"You never told me they were lumpy!" Quatre looked at her in disbelief and amusement. "Were they really lumpy?" 

"Yes," Jess' face was red with embarrassment but she was smiling. "I'm not that culinary inclined, if you couldn't tell." 

Quatre simply coughed politely as he continued to eat his parfait. 

"Wise choice," Jess said with an amused look in her eye. "How did you start playing the violin?" 

"I started when I was five," Quatre said after another quick bite. "Iria took me to a music store with her and I was playing with a whole bunch of instruments while she picked one of hers. She was in band, and needed an oboe. I was wandering around, trying a few things when I saw the violin. I picked it up along with the bow and made a huge racket in the store. But I had fun and threw a tantrum until Iria bought it for me." 

Jess chuckled. "Aw, that's so cute. You must have been adorable when you threw a tantrum." 

"Iria didn't think so. But I went home with the violin and the instruction book. Father was a bit hesitant about it, but he got me a teacher anyways." 

"Hm, just out of curiosity, what did happen to him?" Jess paused. "Just out of curiosity…" 

Quatre didn't say anything for a moment. "Samuel tried to have him killed…it didn't work. He was paralyzed from the waist down. I haven't talked to any one of my sisters for awhile now, so I don't know how he's doing." 

Jess regarded her dessert. "I feel like I should say I'm sorry, but I can't. It would be nothing more than fake pity." 

Quatre shrugged. "You don't have to. I did try to warn him about Samuel and Une, but he wouldn't listen to me." 

Quatre stared at his on dessert now, not saying anything more. When he saw Jess' hand reach across and grasp his, he looked up. 

"At least you haven't given up on him. Some people would stop caring and simply walk out." Jess smiled. "That, I admire." 

Quatre simply nodded as he picked up his spoon once more. Jess stroked his hand with her fingers before she returned back to her dessert. They finished off in silence. After Quatre deposited the last of their meal in the sink, Jess looked at him, holding up the wine bottle, her head tilted towards the living room with an arched eyebrow. Quatre chuckled as he nodded and picked up the glasses. They walked into living room, settling down on the couch. Jess rested against Quatre's side as they stretched out together on the couch. 

"That was a wonderful dinner," Jess murmured, contemplating her glass. "Thank you." 

Quatre kissed her temple gently. "I wasn't expecting you to dress up. You did look rather…" he paused trying to think of the right word. "Breathtaking." 

"That was the desired effect," Jess paused, taking a sip of wine before she reached over and placed her glass on the coffee table. "I decided to be prepared. I knew something was cooking." 

He chuckled at her double entendre as he placed his glass on the table. "You remember that morning when you woke up and I was looking at you?" 

"Yes. Why?" 

"I was thinking how there is no one else I'd rather be with," he whispered into her ear. 

Jess linked her fingers in his as she tilted her head back slightly. Quatre gazed down into her brown eyes, seeing the flashes of indigo in their depths. It was quite easy to get lost looking in Jess' eyes. They were like pools that drew a person in and ensnared them completely. 

"Quatre," she said softly. 

"Yes?" 

"When we're like this, it doesn't matter if we've argued or what we might have said. I…feel safe in your arms, like this is where I'm supposed to be." She leaned in a bit closer, bringing their lips closer together. 

"Then I'd be a fool to let go." He murmured as he kissed her. 


	11. Eleven

_When All Is Lost…_

Chapter Eleven

"Wakey wakey." 

Jess frowned and moved in closer to Quatre, drifting back off to sleep. She was warm, content and sleeping peacefully - was; why was a figment of her imagination telling her to 'wakey wakey'. Best to simply ignore it and go back to sleep. Besides, she'd spent the previous night alone. And it had made her realize how much she had grown used to sharing a bed with Quatre; that and she enjoyed falling asleep in his arms. She turned slightly, feeling her hips go over the edge of something. She was just opening her eyes to see when she fell off the couch with a loud thud, banging against something. 

"Careful; almost spilled the wine." There came the sound joints popping softly. 

"Let them sleep in peace." 

"But Hee-chan, I come and find them sleeping together on the couch." 

"At least that's all they were doing." Heero's reply was its usual monotone. 

"Is that my merlot?!" Wufei's voice sounded outraged. 

Jess opened her eyes, blinking rapidly to clear them. Her vision was still bleary, but she could see Quatre now sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Wufei was holding the bottle of wine with a faint look of loss in his face, while Heero simply stood and watched the spectacle unfold. And crouched down right in front of her was Duo. 

"Duo!!" she squealed as she threw herself forward and hugged him tightly. 

"Ack!" Duo gasped as he tried to pry Jess' arms off. "Need…to…breathe!" 

"Just where have you been?" Jess demanded as she let him go. "Do you realize that you said two weeks and it's almost been five months; five whole freakin' months!" 

"Um…I brought you stuff?" Duo offered. 

"I'll take it, but it's not getting you off the hook." Jess crossed her arms. "You'd better start talking. Hope you have a damned good explanation and I don't want to hear a single thing about the flooding. Start talking buddy." 

Duo's face was now pale as his mouth worked, trying to say something. Jess looked at him expectantly, repressing the laughter at his expression; he looked like a fish that had been thrown on land and was trying to flop back into the water. 

"Jess," Quatre murmured as he leaned forward to talk gently in her ear. "I'm sure Duo has a perfectly reasonable explanation, but he just got back and would probably like a moment to settle in." 

"All right, all right," Jess grumbled. 

Duo looked relieved. He stood back up, running a finger around his collar as if it was suddenly too tight. 

"Nice dinner." Heero said as he came back out from the kitchen. 

Wufei, who was still mourning the wine, looked up at Heero's words before he promptly went into the kitchen. He came back out a few minutes later, his face flushed as he tried to think of what to say first. 

"First my wine, then my silverware and then the linen. Winner, just what the hell did you two do for that week?!" Wufei demanded. 

"We had dinner last night," Quatre said with a slight shrug. "We managed to keep ourselves occupied for the week. Oh, I hope you brought groceries with you. The fridge is almost empty." 

"You cleared out the fridge?" Jess giggled as she turned around and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Nice one." She could have burst out laughing at the worried look in Duo's eyes. 

"Don't you encourage him" Wufei scowled. "My good merlot…" he disappeared back into the kitchen. 

"So Duo," Jess said as she hoisted herself back up onto the couch. "I'm-" 

"Just how occupied did you two keep yourselves?" Duo asked. 

"Well enough," Jess replied easily. "Where's my explanation?" 

"Hey, did I tell you that Hee-chan is my good buddy now?" Duo said. 

Jess snorted. "Must be; you called him 'Hee-chan' and you're still alive." 

"So I push my luck." Duo shrugged with a grin. 

"Speaking of which," Jess said with an impatient glare. 

"All right, all right," Duo said as he came and sat on the arm of the couch. "I know I'm two weeks overdue; but that sonofabitch is hard to tack down." 

Jess' brow furrowed slightly. "He gave you the slip?" 

"Yeah," Duo's expression was a bit glum. "I caught up to him after picking up the trail in Kavacha. He led me on a merry chase through Russia and most of Europe. I lost him in Budapest." 

"And called me in a panic," there was a slightly amused tone in Heero's voice, as he spoke. "Screeching like a trapped bird at the top of his lungs." 

"Quit it Hee-chan!" Duo whined plaintively. "Anyways, Heero told me he was in Prague and from the on, it was me catching up with him. He's pretty slippery." 

"Where did you catch up with him?" Jess asked. 

"Scotland; it's very nice up the Highlands actually." 

"I see." Jess murmured. 

"So, being the nice fellow that I am, I took him up into the mountains. Some very nice scenery there; you should go someday." 

"You took the bastard to see mountain scenery?" Jess choked out as her face flushed with rage. 

"Yeah, I did," Duo glanced at Quatre who had taken Jess' hands in his; one bullet dodged there. "But I came back alone though. I did warn him about those mountain paths. And those drops…easy to fall off. I said it would be a real shame if he fell. He'd break his neck, kill himself and no one would find the body for a good many years. Imagine a kid running into the nearest town saying that his friend fell and he thinks he's dead. It made its way into the newspaper in Aberdeen. Tragic death and all…" 

Jess didn't say anything as she stared at Duo for a few minutes. She moved closer to him and hugged him tightly, exhaling a deep sigh of relief. She drew back after a few moments. "So, did you see anything interesting on your trip?" 

~*~

The early morning sun couldn't be seen, but the light was shining from the horizon, tinting the sky a pale orange yellow. It could be barely seen by the thick clouds that passed by in large clumps. Jess yawned as she pulled the blanket closer around her and cradled the mug of hot chocolate in her hands. It was almost five thirty in the morning and she was restless. Perhaps it was because Quatre wasn't sharing a bed with her. 

She frowned as she took a sip. She knew her brother meant well, but he could start to pose a small problem. But Quatre didn't want to get Duo worked up and so he had gone back to his own bed; though she could see the reluctance in his eyes. 

"That would be a sight," she chuckled to herself. "If Duo caught me and Quatre in the same bed." 

She chuckled at the image before her mind drifted back to the yesterday. She had spent almost all day talk with Duo. Wufei had roped Heero and Quatre in helping him put back the silverware and linens. And just when they thought they had escaped, Wufei saw the truck; that had occupied the rest of the afternoon, which left her in Duo's company for the rest of the day. 

A creak sounded from behind her. She looked back to see Heero coming outside. She gestured to the empty chair before taking a sip of the hot chocolate. They didn't say anything, gazing out at the mist shrouded hills and valleys. 

"Does he ever shut up?" Heero asked suddenly, looking at her. 

Jess blinked, startled for a moment. "Usually when he's eating or asleep…and that's if you're lucky. Otherwise, I don't know." 

"Hn," his gaze returned to the landscape. 

"If you don't mind me asking Heero," Jess said after a few moments. "Why did you come back with my brother?" 

Heero didn't respond but Jess caught a faint flush in his face before it vanished away. Her brow furrowed slightly before she brushed it off as her imagination. Not much point in pressing it any further. They simply sat there in silence, enjoying the view. When she heard another creak, she glanced at her watch; six thirty. 

"Morning Jess, morning Hee-chan." Duo's cheery voice greeted them as he came and plopped himself down in seat. "Nice day so far, huh?" 

"It is," Jess said slowly. "You're awfully cheery at this godforsaken time of the morning." 

"Best night ever!" Duo said. "I slept like a rock!" 

"Well, at least some of us slept." Jess murmured. 

"You didn't?" Duo looked at her surprised. 

"No. I was up almost all night. I think got about four hours sleep, five if I'm lucky." Jess took a sip of the warm liquid. "I went to the living room so I wouldn't wake Quatre up with me walking around. The walls are kinda thin and the floors creak." 

"Um, speaking of which," Duo scratched the back of his head. "Since when?" 

"Since when what?" Jess asked as she took another sip; she knew perfectly well what he meant, but maybe she could get what she needed from this. And what Quatre wanted. 

Duo scowled slightly. "Since when have you two been sleeping together? In the same bed." He quickly amended. 

"What does it matter?" Jess asked with a shrug. "Like Heero said yesterday, be glad all we're doing is sleeping. I mean, it's not like we're having-" 

"Stop right there! You made your point," Duo said. "There're some things a guy doesn't need to hear about his sister." 

"All right, you broached the subject though." Jess murmured with a shrug. 

"Don't remind me," Duo sighed. "Well, so long as you're only sleeping…" 

"Just stick with that. I get the feeling that will help you sleep better at night." Jess looked into her mug. "Does that mean you don't mind if me and him share the same bed?" 

"Well, I don't mind," Duo said. "So long as all you two do is sleep!" he waggled a finger in admonition. "I don't need to be worried about you and him…I think I'll stop right there." 

Jess giggled. "Thanks Duo. I'll make sure to tell Quatre when he wakes up. I don't want to go to his room and wake him up." 

"Wait, wait," Duo looked at her. "You mean you two didn't share a bed last night?" 

"No," Jess looked at him innocently. "He slept in his own room last night. He didn't want to upset you. But now I can tell him that you have no problem with it." 

Jess grinned impishly as Duo sank into the seat with a groan. She caught Heero glancing between the two of them before he looked back out at the landscape; it was as if there was amusement in his eyes. Jess smiled as she looked back out over the land as well too. The sun was starting to rise into the sky, shafts of light dancing down onto the rice paddies below. The stillness was broken yet again by the sound of another pair of feet that Jess recognized as Quatre's. 

"Morning Jess," he said as he came and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Morning Duo, morning Heero." 

"Morning Q-kun," Jess said after Duo and Heero had replied. "Guess what?" 

"What?" Quatre sat in the seat beside her. 

"Duo doesn't mind if we share the same bed." 

Quatre looked between her and Duo, unsure of what to say. Duo sighed as he rested his elbow on the table. 

"Yeah, she got it out of me before I even realized it. You were too good at that Jess." 

She simply smiled slightly, sipping her hot chocolate innocently. "So, did you sleep well?" she looked at Quatre. 

"As well as could be expected," He said. "Oh, before I forget." 

Jess watched as he dug into his pocket and drew out a necklace; her necklace. "Is that-" 

"It is. Here, I'll put it on for you." He said. 

Jess smiled as she brushed her hair aside and let Quatre reattach the necklace. She smiled, holding the amber spider in the palm of her hand. "I was wondering where this disappeared to." 

He smiled. "I kept it for you." 

She smiled. "Thank you." She kissed him on the cheek and took his hand, lacing their fingers. 

The silence returned, but didn't last very long as another set of feet came out onto the porch. 

"Did no one hear the knock at the door?" Wufei asked as he stepped outside with a yawn. 

"Obviously Wu-man," Duo said. "Otherwise, one of us would have answered it." 

Wufei blinked for a moment at the sense of Duo's reply. "Sally's here." 

He promptly turned around and walked back into the house, a door shutting loudly behind him. Jess sighed as she rose, folded the blanket and started back inside, the cane thumping as she went. Sally was there, setting up some things in the living room when Jess walked in. But there was one thing that drew her attention. 

"Uh uh, forget it." She muttered as she turned around, bumping squarely into Quatre. 

"Is something wrong?" he asked, peering past her to wave at Sally. 

"Is there a problem?" Sally asked coming over. "Everything's ready over there." 

"That massive thing's a needle?!" Jess pointed an accusatory finger at the syringe lying on the table. "What's that abomination for?!" 

"For the amniocentesis," Sally said as she patted her arm. "It's a simple procedure with no pain at all. With all the injuries you took the stomach, I want to make sure that nothing is wrong with the foetus. You are under twenty and that can pose problems sometimes. And I doubt you were eating right when this child was conceived. Plus, with no father around, and no parents for you, we won't know if there's a risk for a genetic defect." 

Jess scowled at her. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but what if you…stab the baby? By accident?" 

"It is a risk," Sally looked at her stomach. "But with no ultrasound out here, I'll have to chance it." 

"But with no ultrasound, how will you know where the baby is?" Jess asked. 

"I did study a bit of midwifery. Never thought I would have to use it. I can feel for where the baby is and insert the needle away from it." 

"See, there's that part again, where the needle goes in." Jess paused as she realized something. "Oh crap." 

"What?" Sally asked, her brow furrowing slightly. 

"I drank wine. You're not supposed to do that when you're pregnant, are you?" 

"How much did you drink?" Sally asked, holding onto the stethoscope around her neck. 

"A glass; not even." Jess said quietly. "I can't believe I didn't think of that." 

"I should have. I opened the wine." Quatre murmured. 

"A glass won't do that much damage," Sally said, turning her head slightly, still looking at Jess' stomach. "But don't touch it again, understand?" 

Jess nodded. "Is there a reason why you're looking at me like that?" 

Sally frowned. "It doesn't even really look like you're pregnant. And you're near the end of the second trimester." 

"Lucky?" Jess offered. "Are you sure you can't hurt the baby?" 

Sally nodded her head as she guided Jess to the high back chair and made her sit down. "The baby's is about four and a half inches long at this point. So if you would sit in that chair," she pointed to the chair pulled from the kitchen and placed in front of the table. "I can get started." 

Jess didn't say anything as she walked over to the chair and sat down a bit stiffly, holding onto her cane so tightly that her knuckles were white. She sat there, staring stonily at the wall as Sally poked, prodded, depressed and inspected everything she possibly could. When sally finally stopped and picked up a clipboard and started scribbling on it quickly, she glanced at Quatre. He gave her a smile that she returned a bit hesitantly. Quatre walked over and crouched down in front of her. 

"It would be best if you did this," he said quietly. "For you and the baby; I don't want anything happening to either of you." 

"You just had to go right there; you're blocking off my escape route." She tried to scowl at him, but it ended up as a nervous, wavering smile. "Just…don't go all right?" 

"I won't," he murmured, taking her hand and standing up. 

"All right then," Sally came over, carrying a small machine with a screen. "I'm just going to do a quick ultrasound to make sure, all right?" 

Jess nodded and raised her shirt up. Even she was surprised to see her stomach for some reason. It was bulging, but not so much that it made her pants uncomfortable. She glanced at Quatre with mildly pleased surprise; she didn't even notice that it had changed that much. Maybe it was because she tended to wear t-shirts a bit too big for her. 

Sally flicked on the machine and ran the small plastic end over her stomach. Chaotic black, grey and white images ran over the screen, but the must have made sense to Sally who was looking at them intently. After a few minutes, Sally stopped, and a mass of white and grey visible against the black screen. 

"Good," she briskly flipped the machine off and placed it back in her bag. Then she plucked something from the table and held it up. She was holding a small jar. "I'm going to deaden the area of feeling with a topical anaesthetic first, and then the amniocentesis. I'm going to need you to raise your shirt a bit." 

Jess swallowed and raised her shirt up. Even she was surprised to see her stomach for some reason. It was bulging, but not so much that it made her pants uncomfortable. She glanced at Quatre with mildly pleased surprise; she didn't even notice that it had changed that much. Maybe it was because she tended to wear t-shirts a bit too big for her. A shiver passed through her as Sally smoothed on the unguent quickly and turned back to the table. 

"Why is it that most things doctors use, have a nasty tendency to be freezing cold?" Jess said in a dry voice. 

Sally glanced at her, with a flash of amusement. "I really don't have a clue. It's been sitting in the room for a bit now. I'll need you to lie down on the couch for this." 

Jess took a steadying breath and nodded. Quatre kept a hold of her hand as she walked over and lay down carefully. Sally came over and pressed her hand against Jess' stomach, searching for the baby. It was odd to feel Sally pressing gently in certain spots. Jess had no clue what she was feeling for where there was nothing. But when she felt a sharp, strong jolt against her stomach, she looked down puzzled. Sally, on the other hand, had a big smile. 

"Well now, I don't have to worry about hitting the baby now. They just want to be left alone." 

"The baby kicked?" Quatre asked. 

When Sally nodded, Jess' eyes widened slightly. "That was the baby kicking? Man, I hope they don't kick any more. Is it even supposed to kick?" 

Sally chuckled. "Since you are almost in the third trimester, I should say so." 

She saw Sally bend over and pick something up. Her eyes snapped to the ceiling and her grip on Quatre's hand tightened. His hand grasped hers in response as he said something to Sally. She started taking slow and deep breaths, forcing herself to remain calm. The initial prick wasn't that bad, but it was the sensation of the metal moving through - no parting was more like it - her flesh made her feel slightly sick. It didn't help that the area was supposed to be deadened but she could still feel it in a strange abstract sense. 

Her eyes drew out patterns in the ceiling as she felt the needle stop. There was Wing Zero with its buster rifle out and aimed. And just off to the right was Deathscythe, all cloaked, and Heavyarms with its gatling guns ready to fire at a moment's notice. 

Now she could feel the amniotic fluid being pulled out by the vacuum created by the needle. She gritted her teeth a bit more. Sandrock was just off to the left, shotels crossed and ready to battle, while Shenlong was beside Anasai, the dragon claw and pikes brandished. She closed her eyes; she was so intent on not freaking out, those imaginary Gundams on the ceiling just might link arms and prance around in a circle singing some terrible stupid song. Then she felt the needle draw out slowly, taking the fluid in the glass chamber. 

"And that's it. All done," Sally said as she rested the syringe on the table and applied a piece of gauze to where the needle has been. "One moment, please." 

Jess exhaled rather noisily, looking over at Quatre. He had a slight wince on his face. She loosened her grip and relief flushed across his face. Her face went bright red almost immediately. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't even realize I was holding on so tightly." She said. 

"It's OK. I…think I can still use this hand." He said, inspecting his reddened hand. 

"There. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Sally asked as she applied a piece of medical tape over the gauze. "That's so you don't have to see it." 

"Thanks. Um…will Quatre's hand be fine?" Jess asked in a small voice as she pulled her shirt back down. 

Sally nodded. "It's when you're delivering that he should be worried about." 

"I beg your pardon?" Quatre looked up. 

"I've seen cracked knuckles because some women held onto their husband's hand too tightly. And some men just couldn't take it when they didn't have cracked knuckles." 

"Ah," Quatre said in the most polite voice he could muster. "I see." 

"But that's not for another three months," Sally said, as she reached into her bag and took out strange metal spring thing that fit in the palm of her hand. "Use this to strengthen your hand." 

"Thank you." Quatre said, taking it after glancing at his hand. 

"All right," Sally snapped her case close and rose up. "Since it's Tuesday, I'll try to have the results by Friday, at the latest." 

"That soon?" Jess asked. 

"There's a medical lab in Shenyang, and a technician owes me a favour." Sally grinned. "I'll see you all later." 

Jess murmured a soft 'Goodbye' as she looked at her stomach. It was important to know that the baby was all right, she couldn't deny that. The baby's health was inextricably tied up with hers and vice versa. But that had been the furthest thing from her mind. Yet, she had to start caring, with her delivery date looming in three months time. But starting to care would only serve to deepen any sort of maternal attachments that might arise; and that would only make it that much harder on herself when she relinquished the child. 

It would definitely be better for the child to grow up in a home that could give them the unconditional love and support of others. All the child could expect from her would be a strange mixture of love and loathing. 

Loathing because of what she herself would always see when she looked at the face. 

And there was that love again; the attachment that she didn't want to have or even think about. And she was failing at that even; now it was just running though her head on a constant loop. Love leads to attachment and attachment leads to love. 

"Damn it," she muttered as she rose. "I don't need this." 

She rose and stomped off to her room abruptly, drawing a knowing look from Quatre. After closing the door, she curled up on her bed, clutching a pillow and staring out the window. A faint knock came from the door before it creaked open. 

"Jess?" Quatre's voice was soft. 

"Would you get him, please?" she whispered, looking back at him. 

Quatre nodded and disappeared. A few minutes later, Duo's head popped around the door, brows furrowed slightly in concern. 

"You OK?" he asked as he came and sat on the bed beside. 

Jess nodded her head as she looked back out the window. "Just thinking…" she said a few minutes later. 

"Quatre told me about the test thing." Duo gazed out the window as well now. "I'm sure the kid will be all right." 

"It's not that I was thinking about." Jess paused as she shifted, resting her head on Duo's leg. "It's complicated and confusing. Hell, I almost confused myself thinking about it." 

Duo didn't say anything as he started to stroke her hair slowly. "You're wondering if you really should really give up the kid, aren't you?" he said after a few minutes. 

"That tiny part of me that's becoming a mother says I shouldn't. But I know that there' no way I'll ever forget. I know you won't." 

"Hm," Duo murmured. "Jess, whatever you decide, me and Quatre will be there one hundred percent." 

"I know that," she murmured. "I think I'm more afraid of these thoughts just worming their way into every facet of what I think." 

"Heh, looks like it's already started." Duo snorted. "Pregnant women really are hormonal. First you weasel an acceptance of you and Quatre sleeping in the same bed from me and now, half an hour later, you're sitting here doubting if you should give up a kid you think you might hate with every bone in you body." 

"Funny," she smacked his leg lightly. "If you didn't say such stupid things half the time, I just might believe there's a brain in that bone you call a skull." 

"All part of the illusion, sis," Duo smirked and rumpled her hair. "But don't worry. I'm sure when the time comes, you'll know what to do." 

"I sure hope so." She replied, pulling the stray strands from her hair. 

"Oh hey!" Duo stood up suddenly, leaving her head to bounce against the bed. He gave a sheepish grin as she glared at him. "Before you go and get yourself all depressed again, I think I have the one thing that'll cheer you up!" 

"Does it involve Quatre?" 

Duo paused for a moment, before he shook his head, not wanting to think about something. "OK then, the next best thing. Wait right here!" 

Jess sat up as Duo darted from her bedroom. Just what on Earth could he have been talking about? She waited patiently, seeing him drag back in a slightly bulging massive bag and box. She arched an eyebrow as he came to the bed and sat down, placing the things between them. 

"Go on, look!" Duo said in a beaming voice. "Can't believe I forgot to give this to you earlier on." 

Jess looked at him before she turned her attention to the bag and the box; it was simply a question of which would prove to be the least stuffed full of things. And at the moment, the box was winning. She picked it up slowly, noticing the grin that broke Duo's face. Whatever it was, he must have been really happy with it. 

She took off the top of the box. Dark burgundy folds, with pale beige and dark green stripes greeted her. She glanced at him as she drew it out and snapped it open. It was a massive plaid blanket, the thickness of it blocking out the light. It felt like wool, but it was so plush and soft to the touch. 

"Picked that up in Scotland for ya," Duo said. "Since you like huge blankets like this." 

Jess gave him a grin as she folded it up and put it back in the box. "Thanks Duo. I don't think I even want to know how much you spent on it, otherwise I might yell at you." 

"And that's why I ain't telling. Come on, next one! That's from me too…and Heero too…in a way. I had no clue what to get so he said he could find something that you would like." 

Jess chuckled. "Heero? Shopping? I gotta see what the two of you got me." She tentatively reached into the bag and felt many square edges. Puzzled, she reached in, grabbed some and pulled them out. "Oh my God!" she squealed loudly as they fell out onto the bed cover. "Manga!!" 

"I noticed that small collection you had at Noel and Akio's so-" 

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" she squealed as she hugged Duo suddenly and tightly. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" 

Duo was coughing for breath when she rose and emptied out the rest of the bag on the bed. The shiny new covers gleamed up at her in the sunlight. She gave a little squeal of excitement as she looked between the covers eagerly. She didn't' even know where to start. 

"What's with all the noise?" 

Jess turned around to see Quatre, Heero and Wufei standing in the doorway. "You!" she practically ran over to the doorway and squeezed Heero in a hug similar to Duo's. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" she barrelled back to the bed and sat down, looking at everyone with a huge smile on her face. 

Wufei looked at her like she was crazy but after he glanced at Heero he couldn't stop laughing. "I believe that's the first time Heero's been hugged at all. Or that enthusiastically." 

Jess looked at Heero, who had a plainly dazed and confused expression on his face. "Gomen, Heero." She said, biting back her own laughter. 

Heero looked at her before he gave a slightly miffed sound and disappeared back into the hallway. Wufei and Quatre went after him, laughing their heads off. When Jess and Duo were left alone, Duo started laughing hysterically, tears running down his face. 

"Man, the look on Hee-chan's face. I wish I had a camera on me." 

"Now, don't get me wrong, it's nice having Heero here and all," Jess said. "But just why did Heero come along?" 

Duo wiped his tears away as he attempted to look Jess in the eye. Already his shoulders were convulsing, probably from more laughter. "I made him. Do you really think I was about to carry that many books by myself?" 

~*~

"What do you see?" Jess asked. 

"I see a…duck." Quatre replied. 

"Duck?" she tilted her head. "I don't see it. I see a swan." 

"Hm, I think it's more stork-like now." Quatre murmured. 

"It does," Jess said before she chuckled. "A stork attempting to jump over a fence." 

"Yeah, it does look like it's doing that." Quatre agreed with a laugh. 

Jess shifted slightly in the hammock, carefully so as to not flip it. This was a great way to spend the Friday afternoon. Everyone was inside, doing something else. She and Quatre had come out here to have some time for themselves. The days had passed by rather uneventfully, aside from Jess almost obsessively reading through all the manga that Duo and Heero had brought back for her while wrapped up in the thick blanket. Heero wouldn't go anywhere near Jess again, and so Duo and Wufei had tried to pry her from the room by themselves with no luck. But Quatre had simply knocked on the door and she left off reading to go to the backyard with him. They'd been lying here for almost two hours simply talking. 

"Oooooh! There's an elephant!" Jess said, pointing eagerly. 

"I don't see it," Quatre squinted slightly. "Looks more like a big blob to me." 

"Oh come on; use your imagination." She smiled as she nudged him gently in the side. 

"I have enough imagination, thank you." Quatre said in a prim voice before he broke into a smile. 

Jess shook her head with a laugh and kissed him. "Imagination and silliness." 

"Hey Jess!" Duo's voice echoed out from the house. "Sally's on the phone!" 

She grumbled as she managed to get out of the hammock, much against her reluctance, and make her way to the backdoor of the house. Duo was in the kitchen, holding onto the walking phone in one hand and munching on a sandwich in the other. Taking the phone, she pushed him towards the table. 

"Hello Sally," she said a bit brightly. 

"Hi Jess. How are you today?" 

"Pretty good, thanks for asking." She said glancing up as Quatre walked into the kitchen. "You enjoying this day too?" 

"I wish I could be." Sally's voice dropped from the light banter to a more serious tone. "I'm looking at the test results now." 

"And?" All the lightness dropped from her voice as well; and Duo and Quatre looked her way, hearing it. 

"I think you might be carrying twins. You're MFPA count was right through the roof." 

"Like I just understood the last sentence. No medical jargon." Jess said. 

"OK. Do you remember how I was concerned that the injuries to your stomach?" 

"Yes." 

"There are indications that you will need to see a specialist." 

"What?" Jess' voice went completely deadpan. 

"Don't worry. I have a colleague, Dr. Acocella, who deals with this sort of thing. I've arranged an appointment with him for you in Los Angeles in two weeks time. That should give you enough time to make travel and accommodation arrangements." 

"Yes, but you're neglecting one important fact; just why would I have to fly to Los Angeles?" she could feel Duo and Quatre's worry intensify. 

"You have polyhydramnios." Sally said after a few minutes. "I am not qualified in any manner to treat that." 

"I see," Jess managed in a quiet voice, despite her throat feeling like sand paper. "And if left untreated?" 

"Any number of things can happen," Sally said. "The children could still die in the womb and you could suffer from postpartum haemorrhaging." 

"Ah, haemorrhaging," feeling Duo and Quatre's worry shift into fear didn't help her much. "Could it be stopped?" 

"No. Postpartum haemorrhaging in cases with polyhydramnios usually results in death." 

Jess didn't say anything as she felt all the blood drain from her face. The last thing she remembered was the phone dropping from her hands as she felt a bit light-headed. Then she completely blacked out. 

~*~

And because there's quite a bit of medical jargon and all that stuff, it's explained right....now: 

**Polyhydramnios** - when the mother has more than 2000 mL of fluid in her womb at any time in her pregnancy. The normal amount is 1000 mL   
**MPFA Count** - God, I feel like such an idiot. But I saw this information listed on quite a few sites while doing my research and this count indicates whether or not the mother will have more than one child in the womb. But when I went back to check this information a third time, I found I had misplced the URL...and before you asked, I also misplaced the other ones >.< Stupid me. ^^;; 


End file.
